Sunday, May 2, 2010

An Open Letter to Angry Vegans

Dear Stupid Magazine:

 I picked you up off the shelf to read for 3 reasons:

1) We get a farm box every other friday from our CSA and I am getting tired of making the same dozen recipes for each seasonal offering. Your cover stories of new tapas and eggless brunches seemed like it would help with that.

2) My son likely has a minor milk allergy, so I'm going to cut back heavily on my dairy and that's like learning a whole new language for me so it must be done in minor steps. Again - I was encouraged by your cover.

3) The coffee taste test cover story looked very interesting as I have an unhealthy interest in coffee.

I've just read it cover to cover and I'm more incensed than the last time I read The Atlantic cover to cover. Here's why:
1) I enjoy my animals and their by-products. I buy everything as local as possible (even when it's more expensive and means I have to buy less of other things) and as humanely as possible. Taking a not-meat ingredient and making it masquerade as meat is insulting. Also - being told that "eating meat and calling yourself an environmentalist is like Donald Trump giving a dollar to a homeless man and calling himself a humanitarian" is not the way to win readers and influence the population. It's insulting and frankly it's a huge turnoff. It makes me want to go buy the Double Down and leave it on your doorstep. (The Vegan Magazine equivalent to a flaming bag of dog poo?)

2) See above. Also: Tofu does not equal eggs. Not now, not ever. 

3) A half-page table with 4 words in each box is not a comprehensive taste test. Those are tasting NOTES. The next time you put something on your cover, actually cover the topic. YEESH.

 So, on behalf of all the people out there who KNOW that mass-produced beef is bad for every single thing involved (including our colons,) who do their reasonable best to live as responsibly as possible, and who enjoy bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast, I would like to quote Jon Stewart: "Go Fuck Yourself."

 Thank you,

Responsible Omnivore Emily

PS- Cats should never be VEGAN. You spend all this time preaching about being nice to animals and the planet and then you go and do that to cats. Hypocrites.


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