No-Drama Discipline Conclusion: On Magic Words, Being Human, Reconnection, and Change: 4 Messages of Hope

Here it is, folks - the final post on the excellent book No-Drama Discipline, a book which every parent and/or caregiver should read. (In case you missed it, you can watch the book trailer here. It's worth it. Then read the book!) 

The conclusion is exactly what it should be - a round up and synopsis of all the Very Good Information covered throughout the book. The book I suggest you read.

They do a nice little list - 4 Messages of Hope - to send you off on your Drama-Free Disciplining way. I want to print it up and put it next to the French Food Rules we have hanging in the dining room (that's a good place to hang behavior reminders, right?)

1) There is no Magic Wand. Of course there's not. Just like there's no magic age, no magic phrase, and (sadly) no letters from Hogwarts...

2) Your Kids Benefit Even When You Mess Up.  I've always wanted to learn to ride horses...I've also always wished that we could see rough drafts when we're forced to learn how to write - based on the great writers - in school. Those are related because I decided at some point in my 20s that I would learn to ride *with* my children. So they can see that even adults don't know everything and even adults make mistake and it's important to get back on the horse and try again. That reminds me...I should find a local stable and look into that. Also I should write more.

3) You Can Always Reconnect. It's easier than it sounds. Sit on the floor - or get to their eye level - and be straight with them. You're human. You lost it. You flipped out. You know that you should use your words and be gentle the way you're trying to teach them to use their words and be gentle. We'll try hard tomorrow. "Tomorrow is a new day, with absolutely no mistakes in it, yet." (To misquote Anne Shirley.)

4) It's Never Too Late to Make a Positive Change. Darn skippy. It's never too late. (That's a good song, btw. The boys love it...sometimes.) 

This post is written as part of the Round Table Discussions with Natural Parent Network volunteers. In an effort to discuss, support, and promote a kinder, more gentle world, we are taking an in depth view of various books. Our current book is No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book The Whole Brain Child. We hope you will join us with an open mind and a desire for change and growth. This week at Natural Parents Network, our volunteers are discussing ReTHINKing Discipline from the book No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book The Whole Brain Child. Hop on over and read about what they have to say about the true goals of discipline and rethinking how we approach parenting with our children. Learn how to separate yourself from the situation and use some of the very same skills we want our children to use. Are you tired of the drama going on in your family? Are you looking for more peaceful solutions? Pick up a copy of No Drama Discipline and join us over the next few months as we talk about what is going on in your child's brain and how you can learn to connect with your child, help them to learn, and leave the drama behind.

On Making Assumptions: No Drama Discipline Read-Along Ch. 1

Get the details for this Round Table here, if you don't have them already.

Some of us at Natural Parents Network are reading along to No Drama Discipline over the next few months. We'll each post a bit about the chapter we've just read and I'll link to all of the posts at the bottom of this one.

This is where most of my reading happens...one sentence at a time.

This post is about Chapter One: ReTHINKing Discipline.

Specifically, this sentence:

But when we approach with curiosity instead of assumptions, looking deeper at what's going on behind a particular misbehavior, we can often understand that our child was trying to express or attempt something but simply didn't handle it appropriately.

Let me get to the heart of that right here:

Approach with Curiosity instead of Assumptions.

The end. Do I really need to write any more?

I do?

Ok.

GRRR! No More Selfies!

So basically, it reminds me to stop and take a moment to assess the situation and remember that what it looks like isn't always what it is. Sometimes, Walter really does trip over his own feet and sometimes Baz really does push him.

Let me illustrate it for you:

I'm in the office trying to write up this blog (for days, folks. I've been trying to write this for days) when I hear shenanigans from the living room. I walk in to total chaos, grab one of our penalty flags and lob it into the fray. As it's flying through the air I feel the weight of the 5 rings on my right hand and remember not to assume I know what's going on. The flag hit the ground and the boys pause enough to notice me. Baz starts jabbering while a wailing Walter falls into my lap as if he's bidding for Best Actor in a Melodrama.

If I were an assuming parent: they were playing and Baz used his greater size and vocabulary to literally and figuratively push Walter around.

If I'm a curious parent: something happened, but until everyone calms down there's no way of knowing just what it was.

In the book, there are 3 questions they want you to ask (they appear to enjoy breaking things down into 3s - 3 questions, 3 brain Cs in Ch. 2...) before you react to a situation. I'm loathe to get up and find the book, lest I get distracted and take another 5 days to finish this post...but basically you assess the situation and ask what happened, why it happened, and what the ROOT CAUSE is. They are all about the Root Cause.

The penalty flags live in a pretty bowl on the bar...next to the fruit and the incentive potty training candy.

So I ask...and honestly I forget what the problem was but by helping them calm down and ensuring that no one is hurt and in need of medical attention, I can get both versions of what happened and offer up a solution. Pretty sure in this case it had to do with both of them wanting the same thing - so I remind them we have lots of things and surely they can come up with a solution. So I guide them to a solution based on just that situation and their moods at the time, rather than just meting out punishments and consequences and shouting a lot, and it became such a non-issue that now I can't even remember what it was about.

In a few weeks we're going to be talking about Ch2. I encourage you to read along. While I find myself agreeing with what they're saying, it's a nice reminder and - like they say in the intro - this is something that takes practice. It's like learning to cook. You need the recipe the first several times you bake that cake, but after a while it becomes something you can do without even thinking about it. (You knew it was coming back to food eventually. Children are like Cakes....I'd run with that metaphor but you'd need all day to read it.)



This post is written as part of the Round Table Discussions with Natural Parent Network volunteers. In an effort to discuss, support, and promote a kinder, more gentle world, we are taking an in depth view of various books. Our current book is No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book The Whole Brain Child. We hope you will join us with an open mind and a desire for change and growth. This week at Natural Parents Network, our volunteers are discussing ReTHINKing Discipline from the book No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book The Whole Brain Child. Hop on over and read about what they have to say about the true goals of discipline and rethinking how we approach parenting with our children. Learn how to separate yourself from the situation and use some of the very same skills we want our children to use. Are you tired of the drama going on in your family? Are you looking for more peaceful solutions? Pick up a copy of No Drama Discipline and join us over the next few months as we talk about what is going on in your child's brain and how you can learn to connect with your child, help them to learn, and leave the drama behind.

5 Winter Traditions for Everyone at Natural Parents Network

***I promise to blog HERE in the New Year. And over at my photography site that is still under construction. But MORE. MORE MORE MORE. Happy Winter!****


  I have a post today at Natural Parents Network about "5 Winter Traditions for Everyone." 'Tis the season for many, many things. For some people there is a lot of travel and for others there is hunkering down to survive winter weather. Some people see an uptick in religious holidays, and some people go to the movies more. Regardless of where you are or what your calendar might look like, here are 5 things that everyone can enjoy this season. Continue reading at Natural Parents Network ››

On Being Good Enough

So...a million years ago when I was in high school (college?) I had a steady gig and after I put the boy to bed I would watch Touched By An Angel while I did my homework. The only thing I (mis)remember from the entire series was a single conversation where the red headed angel and her boss are talking and the conversation went something like this:

Red Headed Angel: "I don't like singing as a human. When I was part of the heavenly choir my voice was angelic and now it's awful" 

Boss Angel: "Girlfriend, He said make a *joyful* noise, not a good one."

I have been mis-quoting* that Boss for the better part of a decade (mostly as justification for some really bad singing) and I feel it can apply in this class, which is thus far mostly a giant affirmation and kick in the pants to run my freak flag up flagpole.

In case you (like me) don't have psalms at your fingertips, I googled:

Psalms 98:4 (King James):  

Make a joyful noise unto the lord, all the earth

make a loud noise and rejoice and sing praise

As part of my homework for my most recent workshop with the Define School, I made a little graphic, put it on instagram, printed it up, and put it around my house. They make me smile. And remind me not to be too concerned with...life in general.

*the real quote is:
"He never said make a beautiful noise unto the Lord. He said make a joyful noise." -- in the episode "A Joyful Noise"

** I do plan on writing a little review of Michelle Gardella and her amazing class. I'm still trying to find the right words for it. It was amazing, when I can stand for long periods of time again, she's getting poundcake.

Ethics, a Budget, and Your Taste Buds

...a new series I've got over at NPN:


If you're paying any attention to food at all lately, you've noticed that it's not enough anymore to simply buy the food your parents bought while you were growing up and trust that it's just as chock-full of nutrients as it always has been. In addition to the familiar Organic vs. Traditional debate, there are GMOs to consider, labor conditions, corporate donations, food miles, and the welfare of the animals that will wind up on your plate. Add to that your family's need to stick to a budget as well as your desire to serve only food that tastes amazing…and you've got quite a conundrum on your hands. Which takes priority? Your conscience? Your bank account? Your taste buds? Hopefully, there are ways to satisfy all three. This is an ongoing series in which we'll address each challenge in depth, but I thought I would start by talking about how we do it in our house. It's really simple. Are you ready? Do the best you can with what you have. Read more at Natural Parents Network >>

It's a sign.

Remember that post where I was all 

"I just do this stuff because I like it and you can keep your stinking money!"??

Me, too.

Well, it seems that the Universe has other plans.

A few weeks ago, we got a notice from the city. It was addressed to both of us, with Steve listed at the top, so I set it on his side. I assumed it was something to do with taxes (rightly) and that he could add it to his papers and send it to our CPA (wrong.)

The city, it seems, cared greatly that I had made money in 2011 and 2012. Greatly. They cared that it had been made, not that it happened in finite terms and resulted in checks well below the poverty line. I made money on my own while living in San Jose and that made me a business operating within city limits and that meant I needed to register.

Long, long, story short: I have paid the city TWO YEARS of back processing fees and fees for the pleasure of potentially making money in 2013. The fact that I had no concrete plans to do so was also of no concern to them. 

Luckily, I have a business degree and have been kicking around some ideas and filing things and buying things and before you know it, embrita.com will no longer be under construction. 

Until then - there's a whole lot of this going on:

(soundtrack: here.) 

In other news, this arrived from erincondren.com a few days ago. I love a good life planner! 

Snap Shop: A Review

FOLKS, can I just take a moment to spread some Ashley Ann Campbell love? Because as you know, a few weeks ago I invested in her SnapShop course - an online photo course designed to get beginning photographers away from the automatic setting of their fancy new DSLRs.

In the interest of complete honesty: I was not strictly a beginner. But my fancy DSLR is the first DIGITAL SLR I've owned, and the ISO control was mind-boggling, so I had been shooting to give myself control over the Aperture and Shutter Speed, but leaving my camera to do auto ISO. It did a decent job, but it was only 2/3rds the amount of control I really wanted to have. (if you care, my 35mm SLR is this one. Ashley Ann shoots on Canon, but has helpful Nikon info as well.)

As an example - here are some of my BSS (before Snap Shop) images - all fine, but none stellar. There are unedited, and I used my kit lens.  

 In retrospect - adjust the framing and the exposure.

 Again - framing, exposure...it drives me crazy that his face is so dark.

I'm ok with the framing on this one, but the exposure...whew. And now all I can see is the orange that looks like an earring.

So - then I took the plunge. 3 weeks, at my own pace, with her advice and techniques rolling through my brain. Composition, tell a story, get the exposure right, don't be afraid to use an action when the light in your office/music room is all kinds of wonky.... and while they're not perfect, I can see that it is equal parts my pushing the equipment to its limit and pushing my own technique to its limit. With practice (and better glass) my images will only improve. But what I've got now is nothing to sneeze at:

 This is a Nelly Nero Action - like Ashley Ann, I find that actions to be an amazing timesaver. Could I have sat at the computer and adjusted curves and color casts until I got here? Sure. But, as I'm sure you can tell by the frequency with which I've been posting lately, life is busy. 

Let's just say Actions are to Photoshop as Dishwashers are to dishes. (I say as someone with NO DISHWASHER. It's inhumane, really.)

Other actions/PS goodies I love can be found here and here.   

 This one is imperfect. I do not care. 

This is one of my favorites - I managed to catch this expression (he's delighted that Daddy has just come to "light" his coals) and the lighting is good and there are no weird mergers and I'm happy with the cropping. I've got this one printed and waiting to be hung already. (The little barbecue can be found here.) 

Let me just say that if she ever sets up a Snap Shop Phase Two, I will be all over it. Or even if it's Snap Shop Photo Retreats...and if we're ever in the same town, I am buying that woman coffee. Or a smoothie. Or something. Because SHAZAM...I love her.

If you're looking for tips/inspiration and you just can't wait for the next snapshop - check out her Photo Tips here. Some of my favorite inspirational images are among those posts.

PS: At the risk of just going completely gooey-centered....she's not just an amazing photographer, she's a great mom, a fun crafter, and a truly inspirational human being. If you follow that last link, make sure to read about the incubator project and what became of it - she's not only opening her home to a child who needs one, she's helping improve the lives of children she'll never meet. We should all be so lucky to have someone like her in our lives.

Photographing Everything

Tomorrow I start taking my first photography course in over a decade. It's called a SnapShop: fully online and being given by (who else?) the magnificent Ashley Ann Campbell. I'll have a set on my flickr to document my progress, but I'm not going to share anything aside from what I'm bringing to it...which may not be a lot since the last time I studied this we said "film speed" instead of "iso."

Here's hoping I go from loving 10% of my images to 90% of them...

...and that I use my "good" camera as much as I use instagram. (so used because...have you SEEN the light situation on an iphone?)

2 raves

1st: Taproot.

We all know how much I love Amanda Blake Soule, so when I heard she was working on a magazine, I signed right up. It came in the mail about a week ago and I enjoyed every single word. It's filled with inspiring stories of people getting in touch with the soil (as the issue title suggests) and now I am inspired to dig in and make our back garden something enjoyable. Next step...find the energy... ;-)  Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to issue 2. (and sad that there are only 4/yr)

2nd: Amazon's Frustration-Free Packaging. 

Did you even know this existed? Neither did I! Do you see how simple that is?  I ordered the Teach Me Time clock so we could give Baz a visual cue for when it's ok to leave his room (and get in my bed with his cold, cold feet) and when I saw that option I *had* to click it. I am not sorry I did. No scissors beyond the initial box-opening. No flesh-slicing plastic to wrestle with. Not even those stupid wire loops that require bolt cutters to get through. 

The jury is still out on the awesomeness of the clock. Baz loves that when he pushes that button, it tells him the time. We're going through trial and error to get the green light to come on at the right time. As Brennan said on Bones Monday night: "my IQ could be down a whole 8 or 9 points at this stage in my pregnancy." That's right people: Brennan said it, so it's real. Pregnancy brain exists! ;-)

So there you go. Two things I love enough to recommend to you without any kind of remuneration from the companies. 

(I feel like I have to say that for legal reasons. Also, it's true.)

Parenting Books That Aren't, But I Love Them Anyway. Pt 1

So I know that I have a book review blog, and some of these may be (are probably) reviewed over there, but I thought since I write about mommying over here, I would compile a list for easy reviewing. This is Part one because there are a few I haven't read, a few I'm sure I'm forgetting, and a few I remember but don't own. Part one is the ones I own.

Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller

(If you click on that link, it reviews both of Karen Maezen Miller's books, as well as She Looks Just Like You by Amie Klempnauer Miller. The latter is a memoir of motherhood by a (nonbiological) lesbian mother. It is well worth the read as well.)

Momma Zen is full of essays and meditations I pick up and peruse over and over again. The subtitle is "Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood" and that is exactly what all mother's need to be reminded of: it's a crooked path. Miller is a Zen Buddhist Priest who recognizes that we are all so many things and that what the cure is for those things that ail us is to accept them and give them time and space to resolve. This book is full of little meditations, with a handy index in the back to direct you to the one you want for your particular hard moment. Entitled: "For the Hard Days" (because no one needs help during the happy times) it has meditations for everything from Balance to Trust. There's even a little "How to Meditate" primer thrown in for good measure.

What makes this book special is that she's not saying "this is how you do it," she saying "this is how I do it, and it helps me, so it might help you." And then leaving you to make your own decisions and form your own opinions.

(I read her blog and follow her on facebook. You can, too.)


Momfulness by Denise Roy

Roy has a Masters in Divinity and is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Her first book, My Monastery is a Minivan was exactly what I needed when I found it. (Click on the link above to find my reaction to it.) While that book was a memoir, this is a handbook. It is full of little rituals to helps you mother (although it would work for fathers, too) with mindfulness, compassion, and grace. It's one I give frequently as a baby shower gift.


The Rhythm of the Family: Discovering a Sense of Wonder Through the Seasons.
by Amanda Blake Soule with Stephen Soule

Soule's other two books, The Creative Family and The Handmade Home both have a spot on my bookshelves. Those are craft-based books, though, so I didn't review them (maybe that could be my next big book list...) and somehow, even though I read this one in October, I neglected to review it. Which is a shame, because it is amazing.  It is broken down by month, with an essay by Mama and an essay by Papa on each's reflections of that time of year. Following that are a handful of projects for each month/season that are easy for the whole family to participate in. As a mother of 5, she's well practiced in encouraging the young ones to get involved - her confidence inspires me to let go a little and let my own son try his hand at the things he shows interest in.
The have a blog, full of photos and adventures of their life on their farm in Maine - it's just enough outside of my realm of experience (SNOW! For months!) that if I have never felt anything but inspired. Find her here, and on twitter here.

What's Going on in There? How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life by Lise Eliot, Ph.D.

This is not a book for the casual reader. But it is chock-full of information on your baby's brain. If you follow the link above there's a decent review. I honestly have only picked this up since reading so that I could double check a few of her milestone charts, but I feel like I retained enough that it's helping my parenting. If you're a science nerd with nothing to read: you won't go wrong here.

If Your Kid Eats The Book, Everything Will Still Be Okey: How to Know if Your Child's Injury or Illness is Really and Emergency by Lara Zibner, MD.

This is another baby-shower gift, and here's why: she deals with the stuff that freaks a parent out in the middle of the night: swallowed coins, bumped heads, cuts, scrapes, fevers, poisoning, bites, rashes, the "plumbing"...she doesn't give two shakes if you've vaccinated or not, or if your doctor is homeopathic or conventional. She focuses on the injury and whether or not it needs to be seen by a trained professional. I've consulted it a LOT in the past two years, and I'm certain I will continue to as the years progress.

The best nugget of wisdom so far? (ok, there are two)

1) The 3/3 rule for head bumps: under 3 months of age, or if they fall over 3 feet onto their head, it's time to consult a doctor. (She lists other symptoms to look out for, but that the basic rule of thumb.)

2) Vomit always looks more voluminous than it is and the only color you should worry about is christmas-tree green or if it's pure blood.

If you're a parent or a care-giver, there's no reason not to have this on your shelf.





So that's a good start. Part two will publish after I've read Mayim Bialik's new book.

Does it count as nesting...

if all I've done is make a new pinterest board? I feel like it should.

Also, I won't post a picture of it, but the detail scan on Monday showed that I am incubating a very healthy little boy. Hooray for brothers!

Ok, I'll post a picture of something...

Clean Sheet Day!

Also, there's a new video here.

Another one where I'm over at NPN

lots.

Here, where I talk about our ambitions to get outside *even* when it's raining. Irony part the first: both pictures were taken in Seattle, where we do not live. Irony part the second: today it's going to be 63 and sunny with a slight breeze. Rough weather, y'all. Rough.

And

Here, where I talk about myself.

Happy Thursday!

And a tease:

Advent starts today, and that is our advent calendar. I've had some requests for a tutorial, so when the light is better (hooray for the flash on my iphone!) I'll get some shots and share the how-to's.

Gratitude

So a fellow blogger (Amanda at Let's Take the Metro) has a regular Gratitude post in which she lists things she's grateful for.  She's certainly not the only one, but considering that a) it's the time of year and b) I get constant reminders that it's that time of blogging....I figured I would do a few throughout this month (and year, in theory) and just document the little things that I am grateful for.

So here we go.

This mess. Because it means that I have food and people to help me eat it.

The city of San Jose, who will take these cats and sterilize them, vaccinate, and deworm them before microchipping them and notching their ears (except Lucy, this grey one, who managed to escape ear-notch free. But the shaved patch on her belly told us the rest of the procedure happened.) 

Abundance. (and not having to pay for Pomegranates. If I charged what the grocery store charges, I'd be a rich woman!)

Spray Paint.

Heart-shaped leaves.

Napping buddies.

Traditions to pass down.

Your turn.

She Left Proof

So this morning, Ashley at Under The Sycamore, led me to a flickr group. I immediately joined. If you have children and a camera, you should join, too.

Here's the "mission statement"

"Many scrapbookers knew Aleida Franklin. She was a wonderful wife and mother and a brilliant artist. I didn't know Aleida personally, but she taught me something I will never forget.

She emailed me last year to tell me she loved my blog and to ask if I liked my short hair-cut. This lead to a series of emails which eventually led me to remark that I really loved how often she posted pictures of herself with her children on her blog. And she replied to me, "Have you ever seen a photograph of your own mother and thought to yourself how fat she looked? Or how she wasn't wearing make-up? Or wasn't dressed in a glamorous outfit?" Of course my answer was no.

She then responded with saying that she made it a goal to take a picture of herself with her children at least once every month. And that to use excuses about how we look, as women, is ridiculous, since our children will never care what we looked like, but only that we had physical evidence of the bond between mother and child.

Aleida tragically and unexpectedly passed away in an auto accident in September of 2008, leaving 2 small children and a grieving husband. After she passed I thought of how those children must feel to have those precious photographs. I have made it my personal goal to follow her wise suggestion and I try to take photos of myself with my children....double chins, make-up free, bed-head and all.

I invite Mothers everywhere to take Aleida's Challenge. To photograph yourself with your children each and every month. And to post them here so that we can see Aleida's legacy unfolding."


There's a little flashy in my sidebar right below the link to my flickr. If you click the flashie it will take you to Emilie, who created the group and the flashie. Get your own. Every time you see it blink, pull out your camera and get in the shot.

(4 Generations - my Grandmother, my sister, my mom, my great-grandmother, and me. circa 1982ish.)

"Normal" is Just Someone You Don't Know Very Well

A theme I run into over and over and over again: the idea of "fitting in" or "not fitting in." That of being "normal," "ordinary," "extraordinary," etc etc...all in quotes because: what the fuck does that even mean?

What is NORMAL?

I have found myself saying to Husband - on more than on occasion lately - that I still don't quite feel like I fit in here. For the record: I knew I didn't fit in in Dallas. We were living like "Europeans" in Dallas. (Yes, I heard that one more than once...what does that even mean?)

But I have a laundry list of ways I do/don't fit in...I can point to people in my life who share some, but not all of these items. I know people much more hardcore about living the "Green" life, and I know people much more apathetic about it. I see the cliques, and in some cases I belong to them but mostly each group of people has their own parameters they seem to meet.

I put a poll on one of the mommy boards I frequent and I find that most of the moms (59.8%) feel like they fit in with little or no effort. 37.6% don't feel like they fit in with an even split between caring greatly and not caring at all.

It took a long time for me to be comfortable not being part of the group. It took even longer for me to not care that other people had opinions of me.

I am who I am. All of those children's stories about embracing your specialness don't really slide home once you're in the pubescent throws of high school...and for some people it never passes. Awkward 'til the end, which is unfortunate. 

I feel like this post is bumbling. That there should be some great moral at the end. Something to make you say "aha!" But really - it's just thoughts I'm having and barfing out onto the internet. Apparently, that's what it's here for.

I could leave you with advice, so here it is (based on another poll I posted on another board where I decidedly DID NOT fit in...to the point that the mean girls enjoyed taking shots at me (mean girls who want to FB friend me now...hahahaha. No.) )

You should live your life as though you were going to meet yourself at a party. If you would want to chat yourself up, get to know you better, hang out and trade secrets - then you're living a life as the best version of you. It takes bravery.  Be brave.

I leave you with words much wiser than mine:



and

Random Kindness

All. Month. Long. I may or may not track it all here, but every day I will be more than polite. I will be more than courteous and I will make Grandmama proud.

What about you? Feeling like a March of Kindness? Need some inspiration?

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank




And I leave you with cuteness:

Steve finger paints with Baz....a random act of kindness...?

The anti-resolution. AKA: Sankalpa

My darlings, I have the viral plague. Ok, what I really have is your run-of-the-mill head cold, but it knocked me out for most of the day. Blessedly, my husband stayed home and took on the breakfast, diaper washing, naps, lunch, block building, crawling around, cleaning up, snot wiping, and general parenting aspects of our days.

If I hadn't felt like absolute sludge, it would have been positively vacation- like. Especially since we're in full-on weaning mode. Night wakings are met with a bottle now. Sometimes water, and sometimes a few ounces of milk. Which means the nursing sessions today weren't excruciating and we were all awake for shorter periods last night. When we are all healthy (poor Bunny still can't breathe through his nose) I'm certain the night will become one long dream cycle. And yes, I have no small amount of guilt for weaning while he's sick. But seriously, darlings...I just...can't anymore. Nursing shouldn't be something you dread. And I do.

Anyway, the point of this post is to put out there my resolution. Yes, it's a resolution post.

Except.

I'm not resolving to do anything I haven't already been doing - or trying to do.

So it's more like a re-affirmation of my Sankalpa. Isn't that fun to say? It means "resolve" or "intention" - to set intentions.

According to the winter issue of Yoga International: "A sankalpa practice starts from the radical premise that you already are who you need to be to fulfill your life's dharma. All you need to do is focus your mind, connect to your most heartfelt desires, and channel the divine energy within."

It's genius is its simplicity. And the great unburdening that happens when you inhale, allow yourself to know that you are enough, and exhale away all of the expectations you have laid on your own shoulders.

So with sankalpa you have two paths: 1) heartfelt desire. More encompassing than a resolution, but also easier in that you are already enough. You're just reaffirming it. 2) An actual goal.

Mine is both. It is so simple and so, so complex.

Are you ready?

Be Present.

That's it. Two little words. They encompass so, so much. Including an awareness of how I spend our time and money, how I treat our bodies, and nourishing my growing baby's spirit...which then breaks down to: do more yoga, spend less frivolously, watch less tv, play more, have some structure, and recognize that the need for attention is a big need in such a small boy and putting him off harms both of us. Oh, and get organized.

But really, it's just to make sure the every moment is one that I am present for. So many people say "where did the time go?" And so far I haven't had that feeling. My baby turns 1 next Tuesday and I'm not wondering where the time went. I did not give birth, blink, and it's a year later.

It was a full year. With days in the park, errands being run, people to talk to, librarians to flirt with. Visitors, plane rides, weddings, new friends, new adventures. The laundry piled up and was seen to. Dishes piled up and were seen to. Swaddling blankets made way for rattles which were joined by blocks, all stacked up with books and surrounded by music and hugs and food.

There was also illness, tantrums (mine and his), the agony of six teeth cutting through in less than two months. The sheer refusal to stand or walk alone, the joy of learning to clap (just yesterday, actually.)

Will I succeed? One can only hope. But even if I don't, I will take a deep breath and remind myself that the effort is almost as important as success and that for every slip there is redemption and that if I let it all go - I am already enough.

A new year, and entering Stage 5

That's right, I said it: stage FIVE. Is he walking? Nope. Not yet. But the second he figures out he doesn't need my fingers, he will be.

So we've prepared (and are still preparing) the environment for it.

We're a little late to the game with the weaning table, but I'm ok with that. Baz eats most meals at the table with us...and most meals still consist of Cheddar Bunnies and milk so I figure there's really no hurry.

But we set the table and chairs up yesterday and he's a fan:

I'm going to try to blog more - I have it in my head that turning one will magically result in a toddler with fine motor skills and a vocabulary that makes everything more fun. Realistically I know this is going to take a while, but a girl can hope, right?

I've updated my HomeSchoolMasterList (it's intimidating when it's all one word, isn't it?) And I've got some Tot School planners laminated on the fridge.

Since toddlers learn best through play, and everyone craves structure, I'm treating parts of our days like we're in preschool. I've got Early Childhood Education under my belt and I'm not afraid to use it! So in theory the blog will chart progress and record milestones and activities - in addition to being a place for me to dump my brain.

If only we all had a pensieve....

Be Excellent to Each Other

“Success bases our worth on a comparison with others. Excellence gauges our value by measuring us against our own potential. Success grants its rewards to the few but is the dream of the multitudes. Excellence is available to all living things but is accepted by the few. ~ Dale Carnegie


also, there's this:

http://blog.wylie-merrick.com/2010/05/do-i-know-you.html

about building a web presence so people know I have author-with-a-cult-following aspirations.

Would a facebook fan page be ridiculousand frivolous and vain? Do I care?

This is practically a moot point, though. I barely have the time and energy to shower regularly, much less write.

Sigh.


For the record, I'll take excellence, please.

An Open Letter to Denise Roy

    Dear Denise,

    Can I call you Denise? We’re both adults, and after reading My Monastery is a Minivan, I feel like we’re friends.

    My son is 3 months old. 15 weeks. It’s such a short amount of time - not a full season for any sport, not a full semester, only a 3rd of the amount of time it took me to make him. And yet in that time I realized several very disturbing things. First, I am psychotic. I’ve worked with a lot of young children over the course of the past 20 (egads!) years and the one thing that every mom has ever told me is: “it’s different when they’re yours. You’re more patient.” They. LIE. After twenty years of what I considered to be “helping to raise” children I thought I had the baby thing IN THE BAG. It took ten days to knock me off that horse. Second, I am not nearly as calm and composed as I’d like. I know there are hormones, but the tears, the frustration...it’s like puberty all over again only this time it’s being triggered by an infant. These two things left me feeling very out of my depth.

    So I started to look for some guidance. If you want to lead a more calm and balanced life there is a guide for that - many, actually. I started with mommy blogs (perfect window dressing but few willing to actually post that their child had them up all night for God-knows-why and what they really want is a martini) and moved on to montessori review (I’ve studied this as education and child care training, but not as a mother) and it’s still just as dry a read as it was when I was eighteen...I watched a documentary on the Dalai Lama (I follow him on facebook as well) and that was helpful and inspirational...but he’s not a mom. He doesn’t get it.

    And then, I’m in our local children’s bookstore just browsing and I see your book. On the shelf directly below “Once Upon a Potty” is the exact word I didn’t know was missing from my life: Momfulness. I picked it up and allowed it to fall open in my hands. This is something I often do with books - allowing the universe to guide me to recipes, essays, inspiration - and it opened to the Thich Nhat Hanh prayer*. Needless to say, I purchased it.

    But I read My Monastery is a Minivan first. I’m just starting on Momfulness, and I so far I’m glad I’m reading them in this order. I needed to know more about you as a mother before I started to learn from you. Although, really, I don’t think one needs to be a mother to enjoy your stories. One just has to have a mother. One just has to have a family.  On 35 separate occasions I was moved to tears, laughter, and deep contentment. I am inspired to be more present, to recognize that we are happy, to have more patience with myself and my son. Just hearing your experiences helps me find peace with mine.

    I do want to particularly address the story entitled “The Mother of Men.” For reasons too lengthy to go into here, I was (and am still, to a lesser extent) very apprehensive about raising a son. Everywhere else I looked were platitudes but you got to the heart of it: what men need is a rite of passage wherein the older men say “you are important and what you say is important.” I finished the book and immediately re-read that essay. In 13 years my husband (and our close male friends and relatives) will take our son into the Redwoods for a weekend and they will welcome him to manhood.

    Your 35 stories (and now your second book - so far, at least) has given me hope and reassurance that even though I’m not perfect, I don’t need to be. That as long as I practice compassion and mindfulness and respect - not just for my family but for myself as well, which is often harder - that it will all be ok.

    So really, I just wanted to say thank you.

*
Breathing in, I calm my body
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.