tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56426761238390804802024-03-13T20:09:55.036-07:00embrita bloggingEmilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.comBlogger216125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-25814393810447600072016-01-15T14:57:00.000-08:002016-01-15T14:57:23.926-08:00Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings: Chapter 8<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is my last (and so very late!) entry in the<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/raising-a-family-of-team-players/" target="_blank"> NPN roundtable about</a> <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/Books" target="_blank">Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings</a> by <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/" target="_blank">Dr. Laura Markham</a>. The final section is all about welcoming new babies and we're never, ever doing that again. So I'm going to call this book a GREAT read for parents and move on. If, however, you are planning to introduce new babies into your home then you should by all means read section 3. </div>
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Chapter 8 is all about <i>Tools to Prevent Rivalry and Nurture Bonding</i>, and it's just as thorough as the other chapters. </div>
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Dr. Markham says that we need to set expectations that our children value each other as human beings and she gives some tips on how to foster that environment and create positive interactions with your children and then suggests having them form a sibling team.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eIf-faziHaM/VnHa_oESh4I/AAAAAAAAGEs/N_EnV9rS62E/s1600/Wonder-twin-powers-activate-o%2528b%2529.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eIf-faziHaM/VnHa_oESh4I/AAAAAAAAGEs/N_EnV9rS62E/s1600/Wonder-twin-powers-activate-o%2528b%2529.gif" /></a></div>
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(Wonder Twins! Activate! No? Ok.) </div>
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On page 185, Dr. Markham says it is important to expect your children to value each other. </div>
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"This is not forced positivity...But if we can hold the expectation that as a family we will always work things out with each other, that we deeply value our relationships with each other, that siblings have a unique bond that is to be treasured and protected, then we'll transmit that assumption to our children. How?<br /> 1) Celebrate family, which includes siblings<br /> 2) Explicitly teach values<br /> 3) Explicitly teach emotional intelligence<br /> 4) Honor individuality and celebrate differences<br /> 5) Create a "sibling book" to help your children see their relationship properly<br /> 6) Talk about how lucky your children are to have each other." - pp185-187 (I have obviously truncated her list - she goes into greater detail in the chapter.) </blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">December 2014, establishing expectations for curious boys.</td></tr>
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Her next list (pp194-196) focuses on how to create more positive interactions with your children and the first thing she says: </div>
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"1) Notice and promote the activities that get your children playing together." </blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">December 2015, expectations established, so the fun can just flow.</td></tr>
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I stopped and made a note: LEGOs. (Well, ok, LEGOs and gingerbread houses and puzzles and running around the backyard like...Backyardigans. I am not unaware of how well my sons get along and how lucky we are that they have such an easy relationship.) But mostly, I thought of LEGO. LEGOs are an awesome way of having a project that they can work on together - everyone can express themselves and still contribute. There are no winners or losers, you can treat it as special time or it can be regular ol' play time (or math time). The possibilities are as endless as <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/embrita/lego-inspiration/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a> is wide.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">His job is to help Daddy. He takes it very seriously.</td></tr>
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My suggestion, especially with little ones, is to start with a kit and clear expectations that the parents are driving the show. Then give each child a job and start building. Once you've established the routine of building and the expectation that it's a collaboration - even one in which people are working individually toward a common goal - the competition eases and the fun shines through.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's a sorting fiend.</td></tr>
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A few pages later, I stopped at this passage and again wrote "LEGOs!"<br />
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<br />"Strategies to Create a Sibling Team:<br /> 1) Begin creating a team feeling by including both [or all] children.<br /> 2) Instead of pitting children against each other, find ongoing ways to unite them in the same mission<br /> 3) Promote the idea of a sibling team<br /> 4) Put your kids in charge of a project together." - pp 196-198</blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sometimes they get distracted - we have a Christmas movie on for ambiance.</td></tr>
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They will have plenty of opportunities for friendly competition as they grow up, but unless they have a solid foundation of camaraderie, rarely will those competitions stay friendly. Even if LEGOs aren't your jam, any other project-type activity could work. If you're a gardening family, you could put the kids in charge of their own plot. If you're bakers, they could be in charge of the bread. If you're artists, they get their own canvasses - as long as the stakes are low and the fun is high...the possibilities are endless!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Play breaks are encouraged. </td></tr>
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(PS: this is not even remotely a sponsored post, we just do the new release of their Christmas village every year as one of our most favorite traditions, and I was reading this while we were looking forward to that...you see where I'm going with this)<br />
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If you have a little one on that way, I feel confident that you will find a lot of helpful information in the last section of the book....but I am finished having little ones on the way, so I'm going to skip it. Happy reading!<br />
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Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-44566389826351470582015-09-16T00:30:00.000-07:002015-09-16T00:30:03.054-07:00Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings Chapter 6 and 7: Reason and SharingThis is the latest installment in the<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/join-natural-parent-network-volunteers-for-our-round-table-dicussions/" target="_blank"> Round Table that Natural Parents Network</a> is doing for <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/3-steps-to-help-children-develop-emotional-intelligence/" target="_blank">Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham</a>. Head on over for other reflections and reviews!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sharing the magnifying glass to inspect their new friend, Caterpilly.</td></tr>
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Chapter 6, entitled <i>Why Can't They Just Share? Why Kids Fight Over Possessions</i>, is pretty short and concise. The gist is this: the views most parents have on sharing are flat-out wrong. They aren't actually fair and they don't work in real life. My own example: Kid A is playing with a light-up laptop, making things flash and making his own music and giggling and dancing. Kid Rock wants to play with the laptop because it looks SO DANG FUN! Mama June says "oh, Kid A, Kid Rock wants to play with that. Why don't you let him play for a while?" She reaches in and slides to laptop over to Kid Rock. Or, in some cases, Kid Rock reaches over and grabs the laptop for himself and Mama June affirms this behavior with the same line as above. Now let's make the kids 15 years older. Kid A is working on a real laptop mixing his newest album and Kid Rock wants to make his own album. If Kid A were forced to stop working so Kid Rock could work, everyone would think Kid Rock was a giant asshole. In the real world, Kid Rock would have to wait until Kid A was finished or get his own damn laptop. </div>
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Play is the Serious Work of Childhood. </div>
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If we want to raise respectful humans, we need to start respecting them from their first breath. </div>
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Alternatives to interruption and disrespect?</div>
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"Hey, Kid A, when you get to a good stopping point, let Kid Rock have a go, ok? Thanks!" </div>
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"Hey Kid Rock, Kid A is playing with that right now, but when he's finished you can definitely have a turn. Promise." And if there are a lot of kids, you can add: "Let's start a list, so everyone gets a turn." If the kids get the concept of time, you could even set a timer so there's an even rotation. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Working together to build a new rocket toy. </td></tr>
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Dr. Markham recommends that everyone get a copy of It's Ok Not To Share and give it a good read. If you want a read-along for that, <a href="http://notjustcute.com/tag/its-ok-not-to-share/" target="_blank">Amanda Morgan at Not Just Cute</a> participated in one last year. She has some amazing insight. (And for the record, hers is one of my favorite blogs. I highly recommend it as a resource. Her <a href="http://notjustcute.com/?s=First+Friday+Q%26A" target="_blank">First Friday Q&As</a> are my favorite. Even if the topic isn't immediately relevant, there is always good information in her answers and resources.) Janet Lansbury is also a good resource for the topic of <a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/tag/sharing/" target="_blank">sharing</a>. I especially like <a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/10/these-toddlers-are-not-sharing/" target="_blank">this one</a>, as it has a very helpful video and explanation following it. </div>
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Chapter 6 leads nicely into Chapter 7: <i>Easing the Competition</i>. </div>
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This chapter addresses some things I just don't identify with (yet?): children feeling like you prefer the other(s) over them, you actually having those feelings, lots of competition and bickering, resentment, grudges, hurt feelings. Perhaps my children are still too young for these things - in fact, I'm almost certain they are and that one day in the not-too-distant future I'll have to help arbitrate resolutions. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They each get their own cart at the store - <br />something I emphasize is a privilege that can be lost <br />if they are too crazy with it - and they have learned to work together <br />to make sure neither cart is too full or too empty. </td></tr>
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The gist of the chapter is this: if you have conversations with your children wherein you explain your reasoning for your decisions, your children will understand. Maybe not immediately, and they most certainly won't always be happy, but they will understand. Making explanations and conversations a habit will help you to raise reasonable human beings who can function well in society. </div>
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Kids can come to "fair" decisions all on their own sometimes once they've had the groundwork laid. For example, my boys like to race around the apartment like caged animals and sometimes Walter, who is just not as fast as Baz gets upset that he can't keep up. The first time this happened, I sat them both down in the living room and said something to the effect of "Honeys, Walter is having a hard time keeping up and that's making him sad. His legs just aren't as long as yours (Baz) are and so it's harder for him. He has a shorter stride so he covers less distance." Baz responded with something like "Well, I like winning." And then we had a conversation about how your can't win all the time and really, in this situation it's not even about winning because that takes some of the fun out of it....and remember how when they kept freaking out because they would race to the front door and would sometimes not be first so I made them walk slowly with me instead of running and that was less fun...and if we couldn't find a solution for this, then I would put the kibosh on running in the apartment. </div>
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Baz, who enjoys the physics-heavy show Blaze and the Monster Machines, had a solution: If Walter gets a head start, then he can have a boost and build up momentum faster and they'll get to the other end of the apartment at the same time. His actual explanation was flawed, from a physics aspect, but the intent was awesome. </div>
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So if you give them the building blocks for reasoning, a world of conflict can be avoided. At least, until hormones and romance enter the picture. Then all rules go out the window. <br />
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Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-55445155856222511892015-08-19T00:30:00.000-07:002015-08-19T00:30:02.380-07:00Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, Chapter 5: Teaching Conflict ResolutionThis is the latest installment in the<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/join-natural-parent-network-volunteers-for-our-round-table-dicussions/" target="_blank"> Round Table that Natural Parents Network</a> is doing for <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/3-steps-to-help-children-develop-emotional-intelligence/" target="_blank">Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham</a>. Head on over for other reflections and reviews!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is our Get Along Cart... ;-) </td></tr>
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So she opens this talking about those horrible Get-Along shirts and calls them what they are: at best another punishment, at worst they're encouraging sneakiness (we'll hide the behavior rather than change it) and bullying (the larger kids pushes around the smaller kid.)<br />
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"[Using the shirt] is like saying 'They'll put themselves to be if they get tired enough...I'm going to bed.' It's reneging on our responsibility as parents." - p95</blockquote>
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Parenting is work. The goal is to front-load as much as possible so that you can step back sooner rather than later. Form good habits early means less stress and more fun later. Similarly to how you put all of your electives off until your senior year so you can spend that year not worrying about your GPA. It's important for parents to intervene, rather than waiting for things to blow up and resolve themselves, but it's equally important that the parent (or caregiver) act as an arbiter and not take sides or try to resolve the issue for the children.<br />
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"<i>It's not parental intervention that's the problem. It's taking sides. </i>The trick is regulating our own emotions so that we can stay calm, empathize with both children, and resist our impulse to decide who's right. That creates the foundation for children to learn how to work things out with each other without hurt or resentment." -p.99</blockquote>
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On the next page, so lists 10 reasons children bicker and follows with tips for aiding resolution and situational examples. The reasons are what you would expect - everything from temporary annoyances to deep-seeded resentments and imbalances.<br />
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"*Stay calm, connect with both kids, and empathize.<br />
* Describe the problem without judgment.<br />
*Interpret by coaching each child to express their feelings without attacking the other.<br />
*Restate the rules.<br />
*Coach kids to problem solve." - p.101</blockquote>
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She covers teasing, aggression, intervention, and how to repair the relationship after a fight - rather than forcing an apology.<br />
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"Focus on helping children communicate rather than on the ritual of apology. IF you follow the practices of helping children express their wants and needs, listen to each other, and restate what they hear their sibling say, children will begin to heal their conflicts at a deeper level, so that apologies often become superfluous, just as with adults." - p. 143-144<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">When in doubt: instigate manual labor. <br />In this case - chalkboard paint on old cookie sheets<br /> which will be used as chore charts. </td></tr>
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I don't really have any examples, except to say that I DO make the kids apologize for the same reason that I make them say "thank you" - it's a cultural ritual we have that acknowledges the other person. In the case of "I'm sorry" - it acknowledges that what you did caused harm, whether intentional or not. In the case of "Thank you" - it acknowledges a kind act from another person. We have conversation around both, so that it's not just a thoughtless reaction and is instead full of meaning. Be actually grateful, and be actually sorry. I don't make them hug-it-out, either. I'm not a big hugger, so why should they be? The entire point of this whole exercise is teaching empathy and respect. The end.<br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-40737701081432778002015-08-05T00:00:00.000-07:002015-08-05T00:00:01.991-07:00Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings - Chapters 3 and 4This is the next installment of the <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/round-table-discussion-on-being-a-peaceful-parent-to-children/" target="_blank">Natural Parents Network Round Table</a> discussion. (Follow the links - there's good reading there!)<br />
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Apparently I vastly over-estimated how much writing time I'd have on vacation. I did manage to get a bit of reading and note-taking accomplished, but it means this is 2-2-two posts in one! (Wasn't that from a commercial?)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My sister and I at Southfork Ranch...sometime in the 80s.</td></tr>
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So Chapter 3 - What Causes Sibling Rivalry and How Parents Can Make it Better starts with a focus on sibling spacing. I'm going to just chat about this because it's THE question from parents who know they wants more than one but have no idea what the "ideal" spacing is.<br />
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In my experience, this is 2.5 years. Or as close as possible. In my cousin's experience (I assume, I didn't actually ask her flat out, but based on her spacing with her sister and the spacing of their children...) it's about 5 -6 years.<br />
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But more than that - it's important to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.<br />
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"Your job - and it's a big one - is to take care of yourself, so you can meet the needs of [your] children...that's what allows you to develop a positive relationship with each child. And that's the foundation that supports your children to develop a happy relationship with each other, regardless of their spacing." -p.59</blockquote>
Reassuring your children that each of them has equal space in your heart - and that your heart just grows and grows rather than splitting and splitting - does more good than almost anything else.<br />
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"Research shows that if you have a positive relationship with each of your children, they're much more likely to have a positive relationship with each other." - p.61</blockquote>
Regarding that: what my cousins, my sister, and I all have in common: strong, positive individual relationships with our parents. My mom and my sister hold twin spots as my best friends. My best friend's brother is 13 years younger than her, and they have a strong relationship with each other and their parents.<br />
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So plan some dates, each parent with each child - one on one - where you do something you both enjoy and bond over shared experiences. (I read somewhere, not sure where, that it's easier to have "bonding" conversations with boys if they're physically occupied - like if you're working on a car together or pitching a tent or something. Getting their muscles going helps get their mouth going. So keep that in mind when making your plans.)<br />
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For more Chapter Three goodness, <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/round-table-are-you-fostering-sibling-relationships/" target="_blank">follow this link</a> and then follow those links!<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j3l7yqW1MQA/Vb5tnOa-E6I/AAAAAAAAEQE/hjWVekgPhAI/s1600/DSC_7443.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j3l7yqW1MQA/Vb5tnOa-E6I/AAAAAAAAEQE/hjWVekgPhAI/s400/DSC_7443.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just a little sibling picture of my recent graduates.</td></tr>
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Moving in to Chapter 4 (please note that I am skipping over SO MUCH good information and you should definitely read this all for yourself) I want to skip straight to the end and talk about Tattling.<br />
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Chapter 4 is entitled "Coaching Kids to Communicate and Problem-Solve" and, again, I am skipping over so much good information that you really should read.<br />
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Dr. Markham's opinion on tattling, once you get past their desire to make themselves look good by getting their sibling in trouble, is that it is a child coming to you for your help navigating a situation they don't know how to deal with on their own. As parents, this is what we want. So that instead of reacting (often poorly) they can reflect and act appropriately.<br />
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"So when your child comes to you 'tattling' about how her siblings acted toward her:</blockquote>
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1. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is trying to make things better the only way she knows how.<br />
2. Restate the situation to be sure you understand...<br />
3. If the "offense" was against the child who has come to you, empathize, then support her to look for solutions...<br />
4. Ask her if she wants you to do something about the situation, or if she just needed to talk about it...<br />
5. If your child comes to you about her siblings when she's not involved in the situation, empathize, say thank you if that's appropriate, and take action...." -pp91-92</blockquote>
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Markham wraps the chapter with a focus on safety versus basic rule-breaking-- the given example is of a child reporting that her sibling is climbing out the window, and one in which the sibling is playing video games - and how to handle each.<br />
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Basically:<br />
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"Empathize with your child's concern and assure him that you'll handle it...if it's happening in real time, take action...then talk to the rule breaker in private, just as your always would when a child breaks the rules." - p92</blockquote>
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Obviously, this puts a rosy picture on things, because what happens in the aftermath when the rule-breaker discovers that his sibling is a turncoat? Luckily, Chapter 5 addresses conflict resolution.<br />
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See you then!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ixiTQedURjY/Vb5th_ALyqI/AAAAAAAAEP8/8DJQi0jlp4w/s1600/Scan10008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ixiTQedURjY/Vb5th_ALyqI/AAAAAAAAEP8/8DJQi0jlp4w/s400/Scan10008.JPG" width="328" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wrapping up with another picture of my sister and I, at my First Communion. <br />
(Also, note my very trendy-before-its-time flower crown.) </td></tr>
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-82663117713525582392015-07-06T00:30:00.000-07:002015-07-06T00:30:00.647-07:00Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: Chapter Two<div>
This is the next installment of the <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/round-table-discussion-on-being-a-peaceful-parent-to-children/" target="_blank">Natural Parents Network Round Table</a> discussion. (Follow the links - there's good reading there!) </div>
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Chapter Two is entitled How Peaceful Discipline Supports the Sibling Relationship and I can't argue with it.<div>
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(Ok, she does propose a move from saying that we're "disciplining" our children to "coaching" them...but to me that's up there with calling a lovey a "<a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/luisacolon/20-things-that-freak-the-fck-out-of-park-slope-mo-fdfz#.apYjxkoqm" target="_blank">transitional object</a>"....but whatever. Potato Potahto. I recognize that most people conflate discipline and punishment in their head - just like some people think a "natural consequence" is a spanking. People be wrong.) </div>
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Anyway - on to what I DO like about this chapter: the emphasis on empathy. This world lacks a lot of empathy. A LOT. Turn on the news and you'll see someone responding to some situation with a complete lack of understanding of what's happening to the party on the other side. Of course, it's hard to be sanctimonious and drive a 24 hours news cycle when you can honestly see both sides of the situation, or when you'll at least consider that the other side may have a valid point. </div>
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So teaching your child that hitting hurts and hurting people is bad and therefore we shouldn't hit is a huge step towards a level headed adult. One who refrains from hitting because he loves his brother and doesn't want to hit his brother rather than one who refrains purely out of fear of being caught and punished. </div>
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I really like this little bit: </div>
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"The way you discipline your child becomes her model for working out interpersonal problems." - pp 18</blockquote>
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She follows with a list of examples to back this up - everything from the aforementioned "Punishing focuses kids on avoiding more punishment, which is not the same thing as caring about others."...to "kids raised with punishment learn to use it against their sibling to increase their own standing and power" - little tattletales doing the Carlton Dance while their sibling gets a lecture and a punishment. Not cool, little dudes. Not cool. </div>
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As for discipline vs punishment, in case you're one of the gazillion people who confuse the two:</div>
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"The word 'discipline' actually means 'to guide', from the same root as the word 'disciple.' Punishment is more about force than guiding: it's defined as causing another person emotional or physical pain to convince them to do things our way but in our culture...discipline as we it, and think about it, is a form of punishment." - p20</blockquote>
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One more and then we'll talk about my favorite parenting phrase ever:<br />
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"The key to setting effective limits is empathy...Empathetic limits defuse resistance, because the child at least feels understood, even when she doesn't get to do what she wants."-p22</blockquote>
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The example she uses is hitting...the darling example because hitting.is.wrong and it happens all.the.time. So she's talking about these siblings and then when the parent/caregiver intervenes, out comes "I won't let you." As in: "Hitting will hurt your brother. You love your brother and I won't let you hurt him. I won't let you hit. I know you're upset, but hitting is not the way to work it out."<br />
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The boys' preschool, their lovely, lovely preschool, emphasizes "safe hands" and that the school is a "safe place" and then has the child in question reflect on whether their behavior was making their friends feel safe...it's a good conversation opener and even my 2 (ohmygodalmostTHREE) year old gets the concept of feeling safe.<br />
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This is another book that embraces the more and more common notion that spanking is just wrong and damaging, but she is taking on new (to me, at least) information about Time Outs:<br />
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"We...have a good deal of evidence that time-outs don't work to prevent a recurrence of misbehavior, which raises the question of whether time-outs may even be causing the recurrences." - pp25-27</blockquote>
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(So I'm going to take a moment to note that the age of the siblings in question is Old Enough to Have Squirt Gun Fights...so keep that in mind while you're reading. Which you should do. Because I'm not going over the entire chapter here.)<br />
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Her approach, like many others I've heard who are anti Time-Out is a Time In (her example here is a pre-verbal child who is having a bad day and is expressing that frustration by throwing her cup across the room):<br />
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"So you summon up all your compassion and remind yourself that she's a little person whose behavior is a cry for help...You hug her, then take her to a specially designated spot that feels safe and cozy, and snuggle up. You connect warmly, which may be all she needs to pull herself together...Her sunny mood will return, and she'll be ready to help you clean up the spilled cup." - p42</blockquote>
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The natural consequence is there already: make a mess, clean it up. We all know that cleaning up messes is a deterrent to making them, and if she knows that Mommy/Daddy/etc will be there to help her learn how to navigate the emotions that come with a crappy day, she'll be less inclined to fling the cup next time. (It doesn't mean she won't. It means she's learning that it's not the best way. And just like you don't freak out when your child says "m and o p" while they're learning the ABCs, you shouldn't freak out when your child snaps and throws a cup again. Because really, the only reason YOU don't throw shit when you snap is because you're a grown adult who has complete control over her impulses at all times. Unless you're me, then sometimes you do throw shit. It's cathartic. Our hypothetical fence will have a target drawn on it and a bucket of bean bags at the ready. I'm all about channeling impulses.)<br />
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The rest of the chapter is about Helping Children with Big Emotions - something about which we all could do with a refresher course. I highly suggest you read it.<br />
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PS - sorry for the lack of photos here...my eldest has the viral plague and no one wants pictures of that...it has been a trying week for all of us and my empathy patience has been seriously tested. House Arrest leads to much, much whining. You know what helps it? Underwear dance party (also it roughly 8billion degrees and we have no a/c - so...)<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/CHNJPsCDSqo" width="560"></iframe>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-87152852514331333042015-06-22T14:58:00.000-07:002015-06-22T14:58:00.065-07:00Introduction: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings<div>
This is part of the <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/upcoming-round-table-discussion-peaceful-parents-happy-siblings/" target="_blank">Natural Parents Network Round Table conversation</a>. Join in!</div>
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So this whole post is about one page: the Part One opening page. This quote really struck me:<br />
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"All siblings will do some fighting, no matter what their parents do. Conflict is a part of every human relationship, and you can't stop your children from having needs and desires that clash. What you <u>can</u> do is give them healthy tools to work through these disagreements, tools they'll use the rest of their lives." </div>
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We all know I'm a big fan of having a fully-stocked Parenting Toolbox.<br />
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Like the <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/flag-on-the-play/" target="_blank">Penalty Flags</a>. </div>
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And the Stop Sign. They got this one from preschool - when someone is doing something you don't like, you hold up your hand in the universal "STOP" gesture. This is especially helpful for kids who have a speech delay. And you don't have to know ASL to get it. (The "stop sign" Walter is holding up is ASL for "yours" - the ASL sign for stop is more like a karate chop to your own open palm.)</div>
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And everything I learned from <a href="http://embrita.blogspot.com/search/label/No-Drama%20Discipline" target="_blank">No Drama Discipline</a>. </div>
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And everything else this book is going to teach me. </div>
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One final quote for my not-very-in-depth-first-post:<br />
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"When parents have better relationships with their children, those children have better relationships with each other. When parents have negative or punitive relationships with each child, the children behave more aggressively and selfishly with each other."<br />
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So the place to start is with yourself...be a better parent, have better children. (Does anyone else have Man in the Mirror in their heads...? No? You do now. You're welcome.) </div>
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-49689252623542364602015-06-16T14:58:00.000-07:002015-06-16T14:58:29.783-07:00Another Read Along is Coming! I keep agreeing to these read alongs with the <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/upcoming-round-table-discussion-peaceful-parents-happy-siblings/" target="_blank">Natural Parents Network</a> in the hopes that a) I'll learn something useful that I can pass along to you and b) I'll blog more. Because I enjoy blogging.<br />
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One out of two isn't bad, right?<br />
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Anyway, next week (or later this week) we're going to start talking about <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/Books/signed-copy-peaceful-parent-happy-siblings" target="_blank">Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings</a>, by <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/" target="_blank">Dr. Laura Markham</a>.<br />
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Pick up a copy and read along!<br />
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And just for funsies: a gratuitous picture of the boys!<br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-12923919138154872592015-05-11T00:00:00.000-07:002015-05-11T00:00:00.654-07:00No-Drama Discipline Conclusion: On Magic Words, Being Human, Reconnection, and Change: 4 Messages of Hope<div style="text-align: center;">
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Here it is, folks - the final post on the excellent book <u><a href="http://www.drdansiegel.com/books/no_drama_discipline/" target="_blank">No-Drama Discipline</a></u>, a book which every parent and/or caregiver should read. (In case you missed it, you can watch the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWGaENBneE8" target="_blank">book trailer here</a>. It's worth it. Then read the book!) </div>
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The conclusion is exactly what it should be - a round up and synopsis of all the Very Good Information covered throughout the book. The book I suggest you read.</div>
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They do a nice little list - 4 Messages of Hope - to send you off on your Drama-Free Disciplining way. I want to print it up and put it next to the <a href="http://karenlebillon.com/2013/01/18/et-voila-the-french-food-rules-for-your-fridge/" target="_blank">French Food Rules</a> we have hanging in the dining room (that's a good place to hang behavior reminders, right?)</div>
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1)<b> There is no Magic Wand</b>. Of course there's not. Just like there's <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/myth-of-magic-autonomous-age/" target="_blank">no magic age</a>, no magic phrase, and (sadly) no letters from Hogwarts...</div>
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2) <b>Your Kids Benefit Even When You Mess Up. </b> I've always wanted to learn to ride horses...I've also always wished that we could see rough drafts when we're forced to learn how to write - based on the great writers - in school. Those are related because I decided at some point in my 20s that I would learn to ride *with* my children. So they can see that even adults don't know everything and even adults make mistake and it's important to get back on the horse and try again. That reminds me...I should find a local stable and look into that. Also I should write more.</div>
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3) <b>You Can Always Reconnect. </b>It's easier than it sounds. Sit on the floor - or get to their eye level - and be straight with them. You're human. You lost it. You flipped out. You know that you should use your words and be gentle the way you're trying to teach them to use their words and be gentle. We'll try hard tomorrow. "Tomorrow is a new day, with absolutely no mistakes in it, yet." (To misquote Anne Shirley.)</div>
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4) <b>It's Never Too Late to Make a Positive Change. </b>Darn skippy. It's never too late. (That's a <a href="https://youtu.be/Y0oIzCp8oQA?list=FLCVefkCILHz5xr9cgACNCyw" target="_blank">good song</a>, btw. The boys love it...sometimes.) </div>
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<em>This post is written as part of the <a href="http://wp.me/p1eq2r-9Cq">Round Table Discussions</a> with Natural Parent Network volunteers. In an effort to discuss, support, and promote a kinder, more gentle world, we are taking an in depth view of various books. Our current book is <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1AeDuVR">The Whole Brain Child</a>. We hope you will join us with an open mind and a desire for change and growth.</em> This week at Natural Parents Network, our volunteers are discussing ReTHINKing Discipline from the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1AeDuVR">The Whole Brain Child</a>. <a href="http://wp.me/p1eq2r-9D5">Hop on over and read about what they have to say</a> about the true goals of discipline and rethinking how we approach parenting with our children. Learn how to separate yourself from the situation and use some of the very same skills we want our children to use. Are you tired of the drama going on in your family? Are you looking for more peaceful solutions? Pick up a copy of <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> and join us over the next few months as we talk about what is going on in your child's brain and how you can learn to connect with your child, help them to learn, and leave the drama behind.<br />
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Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-44997867362137465752015-04-27T00:00:00.000-07:002015-04-27T00:00:18.327-07:00R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T: No-Drama Discipline Ch. 6Not gonna lie - this was my big take-away from this chapter was one of my favorite parenting gems of all time:<br />
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Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself.<br />
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Ok, they didn't explicitly said that, <a href="https://youtu.be/5aAbOgdbTbM" target="_blank">Ice Cube</a> did.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fUYkIMkUN9Q/VS2Km0itLYI/AAAAAAAADic/QqNdjupnMa0/s1600/checkyoself.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fUYkIMkUN9Q/VS2Km0itLYI/AAAAAAAADic/QqNdjupnMa0/s1600/checkyoself.png" height="229" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.dkworldwide.com/techlife/archives/2012/10/22/check-yo-self-before-you-wreck-yo-self/" target="_blank">Source</a></td></tr>
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What the authors did say:<br />
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"Keep Calm and Carry On...Not a bad mantra to have at the ready when your child goes ballistic - or before <i>you</i> do....How you respond to your child's behavior will greatly impact how the whole situation unfolds." p167-168</blockquote>
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Because I have been quoting Ice Cube for the past mmphhhhh years...that's where my brain went.<br />
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For example: "Check yourself before you wreck yourself - because getting hit by a car is bad for your health!" (Not lying - why do you think my kids stop at curbs? I'm not a fairy...I'm *scary*)<br />
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Most often, though, I just drawl out: "Y'all best check yourselves before you wreck yourselves." Something about the Stern Southern seems to do the trick.<br />
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They do give some handy strategies for helping you R*E*D*I*R*E*C*T after you've all checked yourselves - of course they go *way* more in-depth than I'm going to, but here's the list for some reference:<br />
<b>R</b>educe words, <b>E</b>mbrace Emotions, <b>D</b>escribe - don't preach, <b>I</b>nvolve your child in the discipline, <b>R</b>eframe a no into a conditional yes,<b> E</b>mphasize the positive, <b>C</b>reatively approach the situation, and <b>T</b>each Mindsight tools.<br />
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I really like the "Reduce words" part - it never works when you word-vomit all over your kids -- they just tune you out until you chill out. But if you just give them the meat of the problem, they can easily digest and respond.<br />
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Example of what not to do "You know why it's bad to hit your brother? It's bad because hands aren't for hitting they're for being nice, and art, and cooking, and also making things, and for petting animals...but only nice animals, can you imagine petting a mean animal? Imagine if you hit a mean animal. You're lucky your little brother isn't a Tiger, a tiger would only be hit once and then it would eat you up. Like in that song by Maurice Sendak that Carol King sang on that CD that I love that you only tolerate because you think it's for babies...."<br />
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Right? I tuned me out.<br />
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Better: "I won't let you hit your brother. It's not safe and it's not nice. Keep your hands to yourself and if you need help I will help you." The end. (FTR - I got the "I won't let you" gem from <a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/" target="_blank">Janet Lansbury</a>. I can't find the original phrase but basically she says it works because it's definitive and gives they child no room for argument. It places the parent in the role of parent and shaper of behavior. There's no need to yell or coerce - just a simple "I won't let you_____." and then put a period at the end.)<br />
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The rest of the advice in this chapter is well worth checking out. (Before you wreck out...? No? Ok.) As always, I highly suggest you do.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the only wreck I've got a photo of...</td></tr>
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-2524406214192207502015-04-15T00:00:00.000-07:002015-04-15T00:00:14.784-07:00Flexibility and Empathy: Chapter 5 of No-Drama DisciplineSo here we are for the penultimate post about the round table read of No-Drama Discipline being hosted by <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/join-natural-parent-network-volunteers-for-our-round-table-dicussions/" target="_blank">Natural Parents Network</a>.<br />
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In case you've missed the first posts (both here, at NPN, and over on <a href="http://codenamemama.com/2015/04/03/changing-the-shark-music/" target="_blank">Code Name: Mama</a>) I found the book trailer! It's worth a watch, for sure.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XWGaENBneE8" width="560"></iframe><br />
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So I'm going to talk about two of the topics they cover in this chapter: empathy and flexibility. I have long felt there's an empathy deficit in the world. Too many people are so focused on what they want that they fail to see what is needed for the person in question.<br />
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(Sidenote: One of my favorite posts ever about hospitality and empathy comes from Jana Riess writing for the Religious News Service - don't let that deter you - entitled: <a href="http://archives.religionnews.com/blogs/jana-riess/everything-i-need-to-know-about-hospitality-i-learned-from-molly-weasley" target="_blank">Everything I Need to Know About Hospitality I Learned From Molly Weasley</a>. It's full of spoilers so don't read it if you haven't read the Harry Potter series yet, but this is the gist: her son brought home an orphan and she treated him as *he* needed to be treated, which was different from her own children. And within her own children, each was treated according to their needs and unique personality. She modeled empathy and flexibility for her children.)<br />
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From the book:<br />
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"The more we give kids the opportunity to consider not only their own desires, but also the desires of others, and practice making good choices that positively impact the people around them, the better they'll be at doing so...A collaborative and respectful redirection [is] worth the effort and extra time." p.139</blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Checking out the instructions</td></tr>
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Here's an example with my 2.5 yr old: we purchased a 4billion piece LEGO set last year. When completed, it would be a Winter Village and part of our Christmas decorations...and let's just say that the "expert" label wasn't lying. We pulled out the instructions, opened the 50 bags as needed, and sorted pieces into neat piles by color. We used various prep bowls and empty yogurt containers to contain the piles. Baz and I would look a few steps ahead, collect what was needed into a ramekin, and pass it to Steve, who would assemble. Walter, who didn't intuit a job for himself past sorting by color, starting undoing the sorting, pushing pieces off the table, and generally being a pain.<br />
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Option 1: throw on a movie for him to zone out to while the "big kids" assembled the LEGO.<br />
Option 2: scold, scold, scold.<br />
Option 3: give him a job.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not Sorting.</td></tr>
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We settled on Option 3. His new job was to take the particular needed piece from the waiting ramekin and hand it to Steve - where he would either help press it onto the other pieces or he would reach for the next piece.<br />
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It seems like a small thing, but we all know parents who wouldn't have seen a place for the youngest child and would have tried to distract and then scold when the distraction didn't work. The bonus is that the next weekend, when we picked up to finish the assemblage, he also picked up where he left off - this time without the preamble of mess-making. It doesn't take a Master Empathizer to see that he just wanted to be included, the trick was finding the age-appropriate way to include him. It was an instance where we succeeded.<br />
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So...flexible consistency...or as the French call it: The "cadre" (frame)<br />
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"<i>Consistency</i> means working from a reliable and coherent philosophy so that our kids know what we expect of then and what they should expect from us. <i>Rigidity</i>, on the other hand, means maintaining an unswerving devotion to rules we've set up, sometimes without having even thought them through, or without changing them as kids develop." p 147</blockquote>
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"Rigidity is about...<i>fear-based parenting</i>...parenting with a goal of reducing our own anxiety and fears, rather than what will best teach our child's emerging mind and mold the developing brain." p. 149 </blockquote>
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Flexibility within the consistency removes your fears from the equation. The fears they're talking about here are the ones that worry any single indulgence will lead to a slippery slope of bad habits (cue the people who tell you not to hold the baby too much, or co-sleep, or let them indulge in a snack...I could go on and on...) without realizing that if you allow a bit of crazy now that doesn't mean you allow it always.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Helping Daddy on the second day of assemblage</td></tr>
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Flexibility acknowledges that accidents happen. It allows for the occasional loss of temper. It allows for boundary pushing. It allows you to see that the reason your 2 year old is throwing LEGOs on the floor is simply because he want to be included. Flexibility gives space for the parent and child to talk about why it's not ok to throw pieces, and what would be a better activity. Rigidity sees only the LEGOs on the floor and reacts to that infraction. Rigidity allows for no discussion, only consequences.<br />
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So your Goal is to be consistent but flexible. Empathize with your child to all your to better understand where he's coming from, and work together to find a solution that works for everyone and sets up the framework for the next time that situation occurs.<br />
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And seriously, folks, every parents and/or caregiver should <a href="http://smile.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/0345548043/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1428604081&sr=8-1&keywords=no+drama+discipline+book" target="_blank">read this book</a>.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finished Product. Not pictured: Santa's Sleigh (not part of the set.) </td></tr>
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-44283602666857781252015-04-03T09:52:00.000-07:002015-04-03T09:52:10.375-07:00Connection in Action: Chapter 4 of No-Drama DisciplinePeople...I had this whole thing planned to write about Shark Music vs. Pasture Music...which is a GREAT thing they talk about in chapter 4 and then Walter spent Friday night from 8:30-almost midnight...and then from 2-4:45 am (I know because I finally checked the clock) doing this:<br />
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So guess what I did? We live in an apartment - the one above us is occupied and he shares his room with his brother...so I sat in his room and cajoled him to sleep...while he mocked me. MOCKED ME.<br />
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How I didn't completely lose my shit is beyond me, although I do remember consciously not looking at the clock until his eyes were closed and I was out of there because if I had done so I would have flipped out. The time for 3am shenanigans is college and I haven't been there for about a decade.<br />
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So then Saturday was a fog during which I spent a lot of time feeling guilty about not writing this review of Chapter 4: No-Drama Connection in Action....I have copious notes but they may as well have been written in swahili for all I could comprehend yesterday.<br />
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This was about all I could muster:<br />
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So that was yesterday. Last night everyone slept very well after watching Kentucky win and this morning I glanced over my notes again and then my kids...<br />
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What was on my mind from my notes: Response Flexibility:<br />
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"Response Flexibility helps you choose to be your to be your wisest self possible in a difficult moment with your child, so that connection can occur." pp. 102-3</blockquote>
So instead of flipping out when they decided to play Vacuum Chicken (which is where I vacuum the carpet and they see who can run in front/jump over without actually hitting it...and then run and shriek and stand on tables) and then pull bedding off one bed and put it on the other so they could be snails, I did a bit of eye-rolling and texted my BFF: "OMG, my kids are such assholes. I mean, they're just being kids and I love them and whatever...but they're still being assholes."<br />
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Then all of the stuffed animals came out...joined by ALL of their bedding...<br />
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What I wanted to do:<br />
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What I did:<br />
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And then when they started to whine about cleaning up the mess (hours later)...I wanted to:<br />
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But what I did was remind them that I warned them this mess was theirs to clean up and then I passed them off to Steve, whose mood after his 64 mile ride earlier was as close to this as a non-medicated parent can get:</div>
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And now I'm throwing together a bunch of gifs to animate the point that even when you're in the middle of reading a book about how to discipline better, sometimes you just have to meet a deadline and taking/editing/posting images of your little assholes is the last thing you want to...you can still have learned something. At no point did I yell, I didn't slam a door, I didn't start lecturing and whining back....</div>
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But they're making dinner (Disheveled Josephs) and I'm going to do this (without the cigarette, obviously...)</div>
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Ok, also without the pearls...and the fabulous hair, makeup, wardrobe...and shit. Without the wine.</div>
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Is it bedtime yet?</div>
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PS - the other lesson to learn? Deadlines and small children mean that the other thing I'm about a decade away from is waiting until the last minute and churning out genius. No way would this post break a curve if I had to turn this in as an essay. I am clearly off my game.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(That's Charles Barkley. Watch Space Jam)</span></div>
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-82663809761228520292015-03-18T16:57:00.000-07:002015-03-18T16:57:00.109-07:00Tantrums, Tantrums, Tantrums! No Drama Discipline Ch. 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cvVuC2AXpg0/VQTJs0DLUvI/AAAAAAAADRA/0jBQh6ubpgU/s1600/P4210201_1_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cvVuC2AXpg0/VQTJs0DLUvI/AAAAAAAADRA/0jBQh6ubpgU/s1600/P4210201_1_web.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baz, at about 14 months...<br />
when I found this, I hugged him now...at 5 years.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And we're back for Chapter 3: From Tantrum to Tranquility</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I feel the need to point out that I am only scratching the surface with these posts. I'm building a whole post on one or two quotes I've pulled from each chapter - and those are picked from the dozen or so that I copy out, but even then...I'd underline the whole book if that wouldn't be super confusing. I really, really think every parent can benefit from this book. So pick up your own copy and read along! I'd love to know what you think, too.<br />
<br />
<br />
So my favorite acronym from this chapter is this: HALT. As in: if your child is freaking out (or whining...or clinging...), take a moment to determine if he is <b>H</b>ungry, <b>A</b>ngry, <b>L</b>onely, or <b>T</b>ired. Think about how well you behave when you are one of those four things...and then, as the Husband likes to say, "debug your child." If you are aware of these things and head them off, then you can stop a tantrum before it starts.<br />
<br />
Example: the boys are two of those things every Saturday after swim lessons. I keep snack bars in the bag for them to snack on in the car on the way to lunch. A snack and a little rest in their carseats gets them through lunch without incident. The one time I didn't give Walter a snack in the car...I was that mom sitting outside of Red Robin telling her screaming child that we can go back inside after he's gotten all his screams out because I won't let him scream at the table. I can't stop the screams, but I can remove him from the table and sit with him so that Hungry and Tired doesn't turn into Hungry Tired and Lonely (feeling dismissed because I won't hang out with him when he's cranky.)<br />
<br />
Obviously - this doesn't always work and obviously misbehavior still happens. This is when the authors remind us to truly connect with our children:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Fight the urge to punish, lecture, lay down the law, or even positively redirect right away. Instead, we need to connect....[this]moves them out of a reactive state and into a state where they can be more receptive to the lesson we want to teach and the healthy interactions we want to share with them." - pp 72-74</blockquote>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5_gsJEwZRXc/VQTJs-CeDzI/AAAAAAAADRM/Yu5NLAlrK2g/s1600/DSC_5259_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5_gsJEwZRXc/VQTJs-CeDzI/AAAAAAAADRM/Yu5NLAlrK2g/s1600/DSC_5259_web.jpg" height="210" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Walter's reaction when I say "show me your mad face!" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A little bit later in the chapter they bring up what every critic of non-punitive discipline brings up: by <i>not</i> laying down the law (or even just spanking as an automatic response - I've heard that, haven't you?) you are spoiling your child. However, <i>spoiling</i> does happen. We all know what happens to children who are truly spoiled: they grow up to be entitled douchebags. And no one wants that.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Spoiled children often grow up to be unhappy, because people in the real world don't respond to their every whim." - p. 91</blockquote>
<br />
So - how do you connect without spoiling? Connect, connect, connect.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Connection is about walking through the hard times with our children being there for them when they're emotionally suffering, just like we would if they scraped their knee and were physically suffering." - p. 92 </blockquote>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2V6E7zOqbRY/VQTJs7LXJcI/AAAAAAAADRE/ZxXaJgDcv5s/s1600/IMG_0633_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2V6E7zOqbRY/VQTJs7LXJcI/AAAAAAAADRE/ZxXaJgDcv5s/s1600/IMG_0633_web.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We call this "Bereaved Planking" and it's a universal <br />
toddler response to...anything they don't want to hear.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Being aware, being proactive, and sitting with them while they let it all out - whether it's a broken heart or unbearable frustration or just pure anger - while they won't always get what they want, they'll get what they need: you, holding their hand when they need it. (Or, if you've read that poem - a place in their life where there's only one pair of footsteps in the sand.)<br />
<br />
Like I said above - this is the just the tip of the iceberg and I heartily recommend reading the entire book. We'll talk more about connection in chapter 4 (and the rest of the book, I presume.)<br />
<br />
Oh, and for those who think "I'll just ignore the tantrum and it'll go away" - I suggest you read <a href="http://tinabryson.com/why-we-should-not-ignore-a-tantrum-or-where-nprs-health-blog-missed-the-boat/" target="_blank">this blog, on the author's home page</a>.<br />
<br />
I'm going to end this with a quote I can't attribute...but it's one of my favorites so if you know the source please let me know! (It's also possible I'm fully <a href="http://embrita.blogspot.com/2013/08/on-being-good-enough.html" target="_blank">misquoting</a>...)<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>You spoil a child the same way you spoil fruit: put it in the other room and forget about it.</i></div>
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-85425457791265394072015-03-05T10:12:00.000-08:002015-03-05T13:17:20.980-08:00No Drama Discipline Chapter 2: Your Brain on DisciplineSo this chapter was hard for me to read, as are most things related to brain development these days. So before I get into my discussion of this chapter, I'm going to just direct you here, to my friend <a href="http://unravelpediatriccancer.org/about/jlk-our-jennifer/" target="_blank">Libby's story about DIPG</a>, a rare brain cancer that took her daughter Jennifer far too soon. Libby and her friends have worked tirelessly to raise money and awareness through the non-profit they established, <a href="http://unravelpediatriccancer.org/" target="_blank">Unravel Pediatric Cancer</a>. If you want to <a href="http://unravelpediatriccancer.org/about/what-we-support/" target="_blank">know more</a>, and <a href="http://unravelpediatriccancer.org/give-us/" target="_blank">help them in their mission</a>, head on over and see what you can do.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-30CQbGRq9v4/VPPRhEDxvJI/AAAAAAAADOw/s2qKsatSyWc/s1600/IMG_0277_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-30CQbGRq9v4/VPPRhEDxvJI/AAAAAAAADOw/s2qKsatSyWc/s1600/IMG_0277_web.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This doesn't really have anything to do with this post, except he was whining about being bored and I said "if you've got time to be bored, you've got time to wash your handprints off the windows..."....and he did. He did a decent job, too.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Now, on to the original point of this post: <i>Your Brain on Discipline</i>.<br />
<br />
So here's the deal: a lot of what's going on is related to how mindful we're being of ourselves and our reactions to situations. And it follows that what we're attempting to do here is teach our children to be mindful of themselves and their reactions to situations.<br />
<br />
This chapter was chock-full of good information about brain development in children - they break the brain into two sections: upstairs and downstairs. The downstairs is the primeval brain, the reptilian brain that is only concerned with getting what it wants (whether it is actually needed or just thinks it is) when it wants it. The upstairs brain is the thinking brain, the rational brain, the brain that can see reason and logic and be taught to react in certain ways to certain situation. The upstairs brain can be mindful...or, as they say, can be taught to use "mindsight":<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Mindsight is a teachable skill at the heart of being empathetic and insightful, moral, and compassionate. Mindsight is the basis of social and emotional intelligence, and we can model this for our children as we help guide the development of their changing brains....this [their changing brains] is not an excuse for bad behavior - this is why they need clear boundaries and our help understanding what's acceptable...our frame constrains what their brain can't." - pp. 38-39</blockquote>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EzuxKfH0UHU/VPPRhKgRtII/AAAAAAAADO4/3TknK2P0OgE/s1600/IMG_0237_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EzuxKfH0UHU/VPPRhKgRtII/AAAAAAAADO4/3TknK2P0OgE/s1600/IMG_0237_web.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He was working within the "make snack" frame but missed the "use a napkin" detail...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Like the French <i>cadre</i> talked about in <a href="http://www.pameladruckerman.com/books/bringing-up-bebe/" target="_blank">Bringing Up Bebe</a>, a strong framework of expectations allows for lots of room to learn and explore within it. But sometimes those boundaries are pushed and that's when we have opportunities to help our children reach the right decisions about their actions, rather than just telling them what to do.<br />
<br />
The trouble is, sometimes we react with our reptilian brains...I have found a little solution. I saw <a href="http://www.modernparentsmessykids.com/2015/01/5-rings-going-make-better-mom-year.html" target="_blank">this post </a>on Modern Parents Messy Kids and recognized a tool that a) I handily already owned and b) was super easy to institute. A stack of 5 rings that I purchased when my fingers were swollen from pregnancy and so, I confess, sometimes when it's cold now my fingers shrink just enough that I can't wear them, lest the literally fly off and land across the room...anyway, they normally go on the right hand and should I lose my temper I take a single ring and move it over to stack against my wedding ring. The next morning, I start over. <a href="http://www.modernparentsmessykids.com/2015/01/5-rings-going-make-better-mom-year.html" target="_blank">Her post on the ritual is well worth a read</a>. (The update is <a href="http://www.modernparentsmessykids.com/2015/01/positive-parenting-5ringstostopyelling-update.html" target="_blank">here</a>.)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_OQ5NB0OP04/VPPRg0S7yMI/AAAAAAAADOs/8lT1uWXZdfQ/s1600/DSC_7103_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_OQ5NB0OP04/VPPRg0S7yMI/AAAAAAAADOs/8lT1uWXZdfQ/s1600/DSC_7103_web.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My 5 rings...hanging out on kitty's heiney while I wash dishes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
The bottom line is that this is a learning process and requires a lot of practice to become second nature. Like cooking, or bike riding, or playing the drums. Take a deep breath, remember that you're dealing with an under-developed brain (in relation to yours) that hasn't harnessed impulse control, let alone reasoned why one would even need impulse control...and then give yourself a break. The same reasons your child flips out are the same reasons you flip out. Have a snack and a rest, hug it out, and start with all 5 rings on your right hand tomorrow.<br />
<br />
<br />
<START CODE><em><img class="alignright wp-image-36998 size-medium" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/…/NPN-RTD-feature7-300x134…" alt="NPN RTD feature" width="300" height="134" />This post is written as part of the <a href="http://wp.me/p1eq2r-9Cq">Round Table Discussions</a> with Natural Parent Network volunteers. In an effort to discuss, support, and promote a kinder, more gentle world, we are taking an in depth view of various books. Our current book is <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1AeDuVR">The Whole Brain Child</a>. We hope you will join us with an open mind and a desire for change and growth.</em>
This week at Natural Parents Network, our volunteers are discussing Your Brain on Discipline from the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1AeDuVR">The Whole Brain Child</a>. <a href="http://wp.me/p1eq2r-9D7">Hop on over and read about what they have to say</a> about how your child's brain is developing, the three brain C's, how you can use your knowledge about how the brain works to appeal to your child when helping them through situations, and for some resources to help you tame your own reactions.
Are you tired of the drama going on in your family? Are you looking for more peaceful solutions? Pick up a copy of <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> and join us over the next few months as we talk about what is going on in your child's brain and how you can learn to connect with your child, help them to learn, and leave the drama behind.<END CODE>
<br />
<br />
<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-58784559816679054242015-02-20T05:00:00.000-08:002015-02-20T18:16:13.801-08:00On Making Assumptions: No Drama Discipline Read-Along Ch. 1Get the details for this Round Table <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/join-natural-parent-network-volunteers-for-our-round-table-dicussions/" target="_blank">here</a>, if you don't have them already.<br />
<br />
Some of us at Natural Parents Network are reading along to <a href="http://smile.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/0345548043/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423589773&sr=1-1&keywords=no+drama+discipline" target="_blank">No Drama Discipline</a> over the next few months. We'll each post a bit about the chapter we've just read and I'll link to all of the posts at the bottom of this one.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-klzWPv27lcE/VN6e_uFOoYI/AAAAAAAADGk/mhmTFD_mt2U/s1600/DSC_7054_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-klzWPv27lcE/VN6e_uFOoYI/AAAAAAAADGk/mhmTFD_mt2U/s1600/DSC_7054_web.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is where most of my reading happens...one sentence at a time.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This post is about Chapter One: ReTHINKing Discipline.<br />
<br />
Specifically, this sentence:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
But when we approach with curiosity instead of assumptions, looking deeper at what's going on behind a particular misbehavior, we can often understand that our child was trying to express or attempt something but simply didn't handle it appropriately.</blockquote>
Let me get to the heart of that right here:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Approach with Curiosity instead of Assumptions.</b></blockquote>
<br />
The end. Do I really need to write any more?<br />
<br />
I do?<br />
<br />
Ok.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y-bYXPxL-8o/VN6e_fKXBMI/AAAAAAAADGc/bAsvaOL2mC4/s1600/IMG_0132_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y-bYXPxL-8o/VN6e_fKXBMI/AAAAAAAADGc/bAsvaOL2mC4/s1600/IMG_0132_web.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">GRRR! No More Selfies!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
So basically, it reminds me to stop and take a moment to assess the situation and remember that what it looks like isn't always what it is. Sometimes, Walter really does trip over his own feet and sometimes Baz really does push him.<br />
<br />
Let me illustrate it for you:<br />
<br />
I'm in the office trying to write up this blog (for days, folks. I've been trying to write this for days) when I hear shenanigans from the living room. I walk in to total chaos, grab one of our <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/flag-on-the-play/" target="_blank">penalty flags</a> and lob it into the fray. As it's flying through the air I feel the weight of the <a href="http://www.modernparentsmessykids.com/2015/01/5-rings-going-make-better-mom-year.html" target="_blank">5 rings on my right hand</a> and remember not to assume I know what's going on. The flag hit the ground and the boys pause enough to notice me. Baz starts jabbering while a wailing Walter falls into my lap as if he's bidding for Best Actor in a Melodrama.<br />
<br />
If I were an assuming parent: they were playing and Baz used his greater size and vocabulary to literally and figuratively push Walter around.<br />
<br />
If I'm a curious parent: something happened, but until everyone calms down there's no way of knowing just what it was.<br />
<br />
In the book, there are 3 questions they want you to ask (they appear to enjoy breaking things down into 3s - 3 questions, 3 brain Cs in Ch. 2...) before you react to a situation. I'm loathe to get up and find the book, lest I get distracted and take another 5 days to finish this post...but basically you assess the situation and ask what happened, why it happened, and what the ROOT CAUSE is. They are all about the Root Cause.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UQQ_qoUhk6o/VN6e_SUrMjI/AAAAAAAADGY/jmrKw9MgDQY/s1600/DSC_7039_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UQQ_qoUhk6o/VN6e_SUrMjI/AAAAAAAADGY/jmrKw9MgDQY/s1600/DSC_7039_web.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The penalty flags live in a pretty bowl on the bar...next to the fruit and the incentive potty training candy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
So I ask...and honestly I forget what the problem was but by helping them calm down and ensuring that no one is hurt and in need of medical attention, I can get both versions of what happened and offer up a solution. Pretty sure in this case it had to do with both of them wanting the same thing - so I remind them we have lots of things and surely they can come up with a solution. So I guide them to a solution based on just that situation and their moods at the time, rather than just meting out punishments and consequences and shouting a lot, and it became such a non-issue that now I can't even remember what it was about.<br />
<br />
In a few weeks we're going to be talking about Ch2. I encourage you to read along. While I find myself agreeing with what they're saying, it's a nice reminder and - like they say in the intro - this is something that takes practice. It's like learning to cook. You need the recipe the first several times you bake that cake, but after a while it becomes something you can do without even thinking about it. (You knew it was coming back to food eventually. Children are like Cakes....I'd run with that metaphor but you'd need all day to read it.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<START CODE>
<em><img class="alignright wp-image-36998 size-medium" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/…/NPN-RTD-feature7-300x134…" alt="NPN RTD feature" width="300" height="134" />This post is written as part of the <a href="http://wp.me/p1eq2r-9Cq">Round Table Discussions</a> with Natural Parent Network volunteers. In an effort to discuss, support, and promote a kinder, more gentle world, we are taking an in depth view of various books. Our current book is <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1AeDuVR">The Whole Brain Child</a>. We hope you will join us with an open mind and a desire for change and growth.</em>
This week at Natural Parents Network, our volunteers are discussing ReTHINKing Discipline from the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book <a href="http://amzn.to/1AeDuVR">The Whole Brain Child</a>. <a href="http://wp.me/p1eq2r-9D5">Hop on over and read about what they have to say</a> about the true goals of discipline and rethinking how we approach parenting with our children. Learn how to separate yourself from the situation and use some of the very same skills we want our children to use.
Are you tired of the drama going on in your family? Are you looking for more peaceful solutions? Pick up a copy of <a href="http://amzn.to/1ziII0j">No Drama Discipline</a> and join us over the next few months as we talk about what is going on in your child's brain and how you can learn to connect with your child, help them to learn, and leave the drama behind.
<END CODE>
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-74567685483426790272014-09-05T07:59:00.000-07:002014-09-05T07:59:00.094-07:00Flag on the Play! (Over at NPN) <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/flag-on-the-play/dsc_4502_web/" rel="attachment wp-att-36474" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Flag on the Play! | Natural Parents Network" class="wp-image-36474 size-medium" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/DSC_4502_web-200x300.jpg" height="300" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">A single penalty flag weighs about 3 ounces.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
A flag on the play. Literally. I had a genius idea the other night after dinner, watching my sons play the way little kids do: full contact and with lots of enthusiasm. They started to get a little too rambunctious, and my husband I started to call out warnings for them to cool it . . . of course they ignored us, and things elevated, and then everything ended in tears.
Luckily it wasn't serious (a bonk here, a tumble there), but then a light bulb went off. <strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/BSN-Sports-Officials-Penalty-Flag/dp/B0000BYT3I/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&keywords=football%20yellow%20flags&linkCode=ur2&qid=1409747028&sr=8-2&tag=natuparenetw-20&linkId=77EBYSJ3Y5YJG6DU">Bright. Yellow. Flags.</a></strong> The weighted ones. Tossed in front of their faces when things started to look like they were getting out of hand.
Could it work? Read more in my post today at Natural Parents Network, <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/flag-on-the-play/">Flag on the Play</a>.Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-49560404562155401022013-12-30T06:00:00.000-08:002013-12-30T06:00:02.934-08:00The New Year’s Non-Resolution - Emily Bartnikowski
Monday December 30 <a href=”http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/operation-unpink/”>The New Year’s Non-Resolution</a> (Emily Bartnikowski)
<a href=”http://embrita.blogspot.com”><img src=”http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/IMG_1466-300x300.gif”></a>
This year, I’m not resolving to do anything I haven’t already been doing – or trying to do. This year, I am resolve that I am enough as I am; resolving to enjoy where I am at more; and just breathing.
Read about my heartfelt goal for the New Year at Natural Parents Network today - <a href=”http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/new-years-non-resolution/”>The New Year’s Non-Resolution.</a>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-32843151493019973112013-12-29T19:18:00.000-08:002013-12-29T19:18:13.906-08:005 Winter Traditions for Everyone at Natural Parents Network***I promise to blog HERE in the New Year. And over at my photography site that is still under construction. But MORE. MORE MORE MORE. Happy Winter!****<br />
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<br />
<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/5-winter-traditions/" target="_blank"><img align="right" alt="Natural Parents Network: 5 Winter Traditions for Everyone" class="alignright" height="320" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/?attachment_id=34085" width="320" /></a><strong>I have a post today at Natural Parents Network about "<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/5-winter-traditions/" target="_blank">5 Winter Traditions for Everyone.</a>"</strong>
'Tis the season for many, many things. For some people there is a lot of travel and for others there is hunkering down to survive winter weather. Some people see an uptick in religious holidays, and some people go to the movies more. Regardless of where you are or what your calendar might look like, here are 5 things that everyone can enjoy this season.
<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/5-winter-traditions/" target="_blank">Continue reading at Natural Parents Network ››</a>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-11163467344468115152013-10-18T08:32:00.000-07:002013-10-18T08:32:00.544-07:00Mama-Led Weaning, Sometimes It's The Best Choice, at Natural Parents Network<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/mama-led-weaning-sometimes-best-choice/" target="_blank"><img class="alignright" align="right" alt="Natural Parents Network: Mama-Led Weaning, Sometimes It's The Best Choice" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/NIP_boardwalk-300x200.gif" width="300" /></a><strong>I have a post today at Natural Parents Network about "<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/mama-led-weaning-sometimes-best-choice/" target="_blank">Mama-Led Weaning, Sometimes It's The Best Choice.</a>"</strong>
I nursed my first son for 14 months, and am in the 13 month of nursing my second. And I'm finished, mamas. I'm just finished. I've had mastitis more times than I can count (I stopped counting at 12 the first time around and 6 this time), I've got systemic thrush, and I seem to be allergic to all of the treatments available to me. So I've decided it's time to wean.
Don't get me wrong. I loved nursing. I love the snuggles and the knowledge that I was doing the best I could for my sons before I was able to expose them to the wide and luscious variety of "Big People Food." I loved the convenience and the oxytocin surge. I loved the immune boost. I loved the magical sleeping effects it seemed to have. I even loved vaguely scandalizing people as I nursed my sons on demand. (Honestly, though, I live in San Jose and I never got so much as a side-eye for nursing in public. I love that bubble I live in, too.)
But now — chronic mastitis and even more plugged ducts, thrush, cracks, teeth, diminishing supply, and an insatiable baby…I could try more approaches, I could eat more lactation cookies (or bacon cheddar lactation muffins), I could do any number of things, but Walter eats more People food than my 3.5-year-old, and I'm pretty sure that, aside from the midnight session, nursing now is mostly for comfort.
<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/mama-led-weaning-sometimes-best-choice/" target="_blank">Continue reading at Natural Parents Network ››</a>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-33618606751170506182013-09-23T13:10:00.000-07:002013-09-23T13:10:52.870-07:00Ethics, A Budget, and Your Taste Buds: Pick Your Pleasure at Natural Parents Network<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/ethics-budget-taste-buds-pleasure/" target="_blank"><img class="alignright" align="right" alt="Natural Parents Network: Ethics, A Budget, and Your Taste Buds: Pick Your Pleasure" title="Natural Parents Network: Ethics, A Budget, and Your Taste Buds: Pick Your Pleasure" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/5841473872_ccdf6c7beb-300x198.jpg" width="300" height="198" /></a><strong>I have a post today at Natural Parents Network about "<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/ethics-budget-taste-buds-pleasure/" target="_blank">Ethics, A Budget, and Your Taste Buds: Pick Your Pleasure</a>."</strong>
True story: While chatting in a group setting a few weeks ago, a friend brought up the subject of frying her food and which oils are best for frying. She was talking about chicken, and I am Southern. She was bemoaning the price of olive oil and then someone brought up canola oil. Because I Know Everything, I jumped right in: "When deep frying anything, you should just use straight vegetable oil because it has a high smoke point and a neutral flavor and it's not too expensive. The flavor will be best the second or third time you use it, but don't use it many more times than that because the smoke point lowers pretty quickly. But don't use canola because it's a GMO, and unless you're buying pretty close to the source for your olive oil, it's hard to be sure it's 100% olive…." And then someone — in a nice way — told me to put a sock in it and further explained that vegetable oil also contains GMOs and can contain many different oils, some of which are from areas that are being exploited. I haven't researched her claims because, frankly, I just can't. I have reached Ethical Eating Fatigue, people. And I bet you have, too. There is a list as long as my arm concerning the health and ethical grey areas surrounding the food on our plates, and it's enough to overwhelm a person.
Off the top of my head: Pesticide usage poisons the farmers, the laborers, the ground water, the wild animals, and is causing colony collapse, and who knows what else. Growth hormone and antibiotic use in livestock is causing early puberty in children. Groundwater runoff is causing e. coli outbreaks. Monocultures are going to lead to another dust bowl. Palm oil (which is in <i>everything</i>) is causing the destruction of the rainforest and gorilla populations. GMOs are going to kill us all. Honey isn't actually honey. Olive oil isn't actually made from olives. Chocolate is being harvested by child slaves. Cows are having unholy things done to their bodies in order to be able to live on diets they are not designed to consume…including candy. Chickens are being bred for their breasts, which means their legs can't support their weight. Eating food out of season and from halfway around the world contributes to our dependence on oil and potentially takes food from famine-ravaged countries. Etc, etc, etc.
Overwhelmed? Take a breath.
<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/ethics-budget-taste-buds-pleasure/" target="_blank">Continue reading at Natural Parents Network ››</a>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-8373460608753054792013-08-26T00:30:00.000-07:002013-08-26T00:30:02.036-07:00On Being Good Enough<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; line-height: 19px;">
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So...a million years ago when I was in high school (college?) I had a steady gig and after I put the boy to bed I would watch Touched By An Angel while I did my homework. The only thing I (mis)remember from the entire series was a single conversation where the red headed angel and her boss are talking and the conversation went something like this:<br />
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Red Headed Angel: "I don't like singing as a human. When I was part of the heavenly choir my voice was angelic and now it's awful" </div>
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Boss Angel: "Girlfriend, He said make a *joyful* noise, not a good one."</div>
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I have been mis-quoting* that Boss for the better part of a decade (mostly as justification for some really bad singing) and I feel it can apply in this class, which is thus far mostly a giant affirmation and kick in the pants to run my freak flag up flagpole.<br />
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In case you (like me) don't have psalms at your fingertips, I googled:</div>
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Psalms 98:4 (King James): </div>
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<i>Make a joyful noise unto the lord, all the earth</i></div>
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<i>make a loud noise and rejoice and sing praise</i></div>
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As part of my homework for my <a href="http://awakeningthespark.thedefineschool.com/" target="_blank">most recent workshop with the Define School</a>, I made a little graphic, put it on <a href="http://instagram.com/emmieb78/" target="_blank">instagram</a>, printed it up, and put it around my house. They make me smile. And remind me not to be too concerned with...life in general.<br />
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*the real quote is:<br />
"He never said make a beautiful noise unto the Lord. He said make a joyful noise." -- in the episode "A Joyful Noise"<br />
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** I do plan on writing a little review of <a href="http://awakeningthespark.thedefineschool.com/" target="_blank">Michelle Gardella and her amazing class</a>. I'm still trying to find the right words for it. It was amazing, when I can stand for long periods of time again, she's getting poundcake.</div>
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-21551218768103147762013-07-01T08:41:00.000-07:002013-07-01T08:41:00.146-07:00Be Safe In The Sun!<pre style="white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"></pre>
<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/summer-potty-learning-7-tips/">Be Safe in the Sun! 5 Easy Ways Kids and Adults Can Protect Themselves from Skin Cancer and Wrinkles</a><br />
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It's that time of year again . . . time for fabulous hats and flip flops and sunscreen. (At least, it is if you're in the Northern Hemisphere.)
It also means it's time to talk about the Big C: Cancer. (And the lowercase w: wrinkles.)
How can you protect yourself and your kids? I've got some fun and easy ways everyone - regardless of complexion - should be protecting themselves every day. Come check out my post on Natural Parents Network today to learn more, <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/summer-potty-learning-7-tips/">Be Safe in the Sun! 5 Easy Ways Kids and Adults Can Protect Themselves from Skin Cancer and Wrinkles</a>.
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-43323199146890820822013-06-28T21:05:00.000-07:002013-06-28T21:05:34.015-07:00Bacon Cheddar Lactation Muffins<div style="text-align: center;">
You read that right. I made BACON CHEDDAR LACTATION MUFFINS.
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At Christmas, my friend Melissa at <a href="http://www.lechelove.com/" target="_blank">Leche Love</a> sent me a goodie box with the dry ingredients for her bacon maple lactation muffins. They were quite tasty (and that's the ingredient list clipped to a cookbook down there - lucky me!)</div>
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As I was eating them, however, I was thinking they needed more bacon. And cheese. Because we've got <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Gourmet-Toaster-Oven-Sophisticated/dp/1580086594/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372442084&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gourmet+toaster+oven+cookbook" target="_blank">The Gourmet Toaster Oven Cookbook</a> and it has a fabulous recipe for Bacon Cheddar Muffins. Also, almost everything is better with more bacon and more cheese, amirite?</div>
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I felt I needed to meld the two into bacony-cheddary-lactationy-goodness.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">What? I'm just shredding bacon...</span></div>
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Ready for the oven...</div>
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Voila! YUM!</div>
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A few notes, because people keep asking me what makes them "lactation muffins" - and the answer is: Brewers Yeast, Rolled Oats, and Flaxseed meal. Not to mention the calories. Milk-making Mamas need as many calories as they can get. My research has turned up that roughly 500 calories are burned daily when an infant is exclusively breastfeeding. And when you consider that breastmilk *needs* to be fatty for brain and body development and that everything gets routed to the milk first - mamas need to basically inhale everything in sight not to just walk around as sleep and nutrient deprived zombies.</div>
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Unfiltered Wheat Beer also helps with milk production. In case you're feeling a bit thirsty after eating the dozen muffins produced by this recipe.</div>
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Bacon Cheddar Lactation Muffins</div>
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adapted from The Gourmet Toaster Oven Cookbook and Leche Love</div>
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Makes 12</div>
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1 1/2 cups AP flour<br />
2tsp baking powder<br />
1/2 tsp baking soda<br />
1/2 tsp salt<br />
1 1/2 tbs flaxseed meal<br />
1/4cup quick cooking rolled oats<br />
2tbs brewer's yeast (soak this in ~2tbs warm water for about 5 minutes before mixing it into the batter so the yeast has a chance to bloom)<br />
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6 slices of bacon, cooked, drained, and chopped<br />
1 cup grated sharp cheddar (I'll add another 1/2 cup next time I make it. But I feel most things are better with more cheese.)<br />
2 eggs<br />
2-3tbs oil - like veg, coconut, olive, grapeseed, etc (add 2, then a 3rd if you feel the batter needs a bit more moisture.)<br />
1 cup buttermilk<br />
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Maple syrup for dipping if so desired.<br />
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Mix using the muffin method: mix the dry ingredients - add the bacon and cheese and mix in thoroughly.<br />
Whisk the wet ingredients in a separate bowl and then stir into the dry mix.<br />
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Pour into muffin cups/tin (if you don't use paper, make sure you butter/spray the muffin tin cups!)<br />
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Cook 10-15 at 350 (my oven is 40 years old and haunted, so take that temp and time with a grain of salt. It's a good starting place, though.)<br />
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They're done when a toothpick emerges clean from the middle muffin.<br />
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allow to cool a bit<br />
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enjoy!Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-4447672036708338512013-06-15T09:00:00.000-07:002013-06-22T09:28:41.995-07:00Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}<blockquote>
This is a <strong>joint giveaway with <a href="http://embrita.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Embrita Blogging</a> and <a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/" target="_blank">Natural Parents Network</a></strong>. You may enter at <strong><i>one site only</i></strong>. Please find the section marked "Win it!" for the mandatory entry and optional bonus entries.</blockquote>
<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/disclosure/" target="_blank"><img align="left" alt="npn-giveaway-disclosure" class="alignleft" height="43" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/npn-giveaway-disclosure.png" width="624" /></a>
<a href="http://www.littlegreenpouch.com/" target="_blank"><strong>Little Green Pouch</strong></a> is offering our readers a giveaway of <strong>two 4-packs of pouches, a Mini Funnel and Dissolvable Content and Date Labels</strong>, a value of $42.<br />
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<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/?attachment_id=31957" rel="attachment wp-att-31957"><img align="right" alt="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" class="size-medium wp-image-31957 " height="300" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSC_7872-200x300.gif" title="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" width="200" /></a><strong><br /></strong><br />
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From our reviewer, <a href="http://embrita.blogspot.com/" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Emily at Embrita Blogging</a><b>:</b>
Little Green Pouches are reusable baby food pouches ideal for everything from milk to pureed blueberries. They're sturdy, durable, and cute. The collapsible funnel and dissolvable labels make for easy refilling and keep you from losing track of food's freshness.<br />
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<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/?attachment_id=31956" rel="attachment wp-att-31956"><img alt="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" class="size-medium wp-image-31956" height="300" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSC_7870-198x300.gif" title="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" width="198" /></a><br />
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<b>About Little Green Pouch</b><br />
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Creators Maggie and Melissa are both moms who love the ease of food pouches, but hated the environmental unfriendliness of the single-use pouches - as well as the somewhat limited flavor selections available in them. So they designed their own reusable pouches for everyone to enjoy! These pouches are dishwasher-safe, freezer-safe, and made of BPA-free, phthalate-free plastic, and they hold up to six ounces of food or drink!
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Our Experience</h3>
These food pouches are extremely cute. Bright, sunny green keeps the otherwise minimal design from being boring, and the back has clear instructions (for those of us suffering from Not Enough Sleep) and a space for writing your child's name or your phone number in permanent ink. They're sturdy and the plastic is thick, so they'll stand upright on their own if you need to set them down. The mouth opens wide enough to spoon in yogurt, in case you forget that you own the funnel, like I did. The funnel fits perfectly and makes the whole process go much more smoothly, and then collapses down so that it doesn't take up too much room in the diaper bag — which makes refilling on the go super easy. I'm fairly certain I'll keep empty pouches and the funnel in the car well after my boys are past purees for easy smoothie portioning and serving. For now, though, Walter still needs a spoon to eat from his, and luckily the spout is a standard size, and a spoon set that I bought at the store (a disposable pouch brand) fits perfectly.<br />
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<a href="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/?attachment_id=31958" rel="attachment wp-att-31958"><img alt="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" class="size-medium wp-image-31958" height="300" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSC_7877-198x300.gif" title="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" width="198" /></a><br />
Dissolvable Labels: doing it right.<br />
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The dissolvable labels are easy to write on and stick well enough that they stay on until it's time to wash them off. But beware: they aren't kidding about the dissolving part — my labels were gone between the time I turned the tap on to trickle and when I grabbed my camera from two feet away and took the lens cap off. Easy cleanup is always a bonus!
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Other Features</h3>
The zipper on top of the pouches is secure when zipped (great because the boys can't pop it open!) but not easy for me to open the first few uses of each pouch. The bags are also pretty stiff right out of the box — this is great because it means they'll hold up longer, but it also means that at first I had to wrestle with the bottom to get it to open up all the way so I could fill the pouch. It also means that getting down into the creases at the bottom of the pouch requires intent: slack off there and you'll have food left in the bag, so be prepared to either use the nipple section of the bottle brush or pop them into your dishwasher. Ultimately, these are awesome. I give Little Green Pouch two thumbs way up!
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<img alt="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" class="size-medium wp-image-31959" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/DSC_7922.gif" title="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" width="500" /></center>
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<h3>
BUY IT!</h3>
You can <strong>purchase your own pouches, funnel, and dissolvable labels at <a href="http://www.littlegreenpouch.com/" target="_blank">LittleGreenPouch.com</a></strong>. The 4-packs of pouches are $14.99 each, rolls of labels are $5.99 each, and collapsible funnels are $5.99 each. They also offer <a href="http://www.littlegreenpouch.com/collections/shop-online/products/pouchpop-4-pack-silicone-spout-extenders" target="_blank">spout extenders</a>, extra lids, labels, and other fun accessories for your pouch set.
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<h3>
WIN IT!</h3>
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Folks - the rafflecopter script appears to be twitchy, so follow this link for your entering pleasure!</div>
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<strong>The winner will receive 2 4packs of pouches, a roll of labels, and a funnel from Little Green Pouch, worth $42. <strong>Contest is open to residents of the US. Enter by leaving a comment and using our Rafflecopter system below!</strong></strong>
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Contest closes June 29 at 11:59 p.m. <a href="http://www.laurenwayne.com/2010/04/convert-your-time-zone-for-deadlines.html">Eastern Time</a>.</h3>
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<em>Information About Our Reviewer:</em>
<img alt="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" height="150" src="http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/about/emily-b/" style="float: left;" title="Natural Parents Network Giveaway: Reusable Food Pouches From Little Green Pouch - $42 ARV {6/29; US}" width="150" />
<em>Emily spends more time playing with her son Sebastian than she does working on her in-progress novel, but since children are only small once, she’s willing to let everything else slide. An almost-native of Texas, she now lives in Northern California – a relocation instigated by her husband’s career. She spends her free time rotating laundry and being generally five steps behind on the rest of the chores. When she gets even more free time she bakes, climbs rocks, daydreams about interior design (a career she put on hold when they moved), takes dozens of pictures of whatever strikes her fancy, blogs at <a href="http://embrita.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Embrita Blogging</a> and <a href="http://coolkidsreading.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Cool Kids Reading</a>, researches homeschooling and mindful parenting, and writes about offing (made-up) people.</em>
<em>Photo Credits: Author</em></div>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-6158105238473250192013-06-03T00:30:00.000-07:002013-06-03T00:30:00.969-07:00Waffle Breakfast<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A few weeks ago, I woke up to waffles in progress in the kitchen. I decided a practice shoot was in order. Here are a few of the highlights. (I need to figure out collage-making in PSE...any tutorials?)</div>
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I am so proud of him. His photos get better and better. He'll be second-shooting for me before you know it!</div>
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Steam. Skills:</div>
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BOOM! Kitty likes to eat breakfast with us most morning.</div>
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A worthy spread. We just nuke frozen berries - the lazy girl's compote.</div>
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I'm pretty sure he took a picture of his plate. He dips his waffles into the little bowl of syrup.</div>
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Cutting practice. I've gotten some questions - his silverware *is* exactly like ours, just sized for small hands. Find them <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Zwilling-J-A-Henckels-07011-210-Flatware/dp/B003MT2COS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370148914&sr=8-1&keywords=henckels+kids" target="_blank">here</a>.</div>
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Time to eat!</div>
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Fin. </div>
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Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5642676123839080480.post-72717451471230454752013-05-30T09:00:00.000-07:002013-05-30T09:00:07.088-07:00Kids Were Here: May EditionWhile I was taking Molly Flanagan's Visual Storytelling class, we started discussing the <a href="http://kidswerehere.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Kids Were Here</a> blog circle some of our favorite photographers were participating in.<br />
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And then we decided to create our own (with their blessing.)<br />
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And so, at the end of each month I'll post a few images from the previous weeks of the little things my boys do to remind me that they're here. I'll link to <a href="http://kidswerehere.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">their blog</a> and <a href="http://kidswereheretoo.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">ours</a>, so you can see evidence that kids are really just everywhere, and we should embrace it.<br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04047700077883145458noreply@blogger.com6