Monday, July 6, 2015

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: Chapter Two

This is the next installment of the Natural Parents Network Round Table discussion. (Follow the links - there's good reading there!) 

Chapter Two is entitled How Peaceful Discipline Supports the Sibling Relationship and I can't argue with it.

(Ok, she does propose a move from saying that we're "disciplining" our children to "coaching" them...but to me that's up there with calling a lovey a "transitional object"....but whatever. Potato Potahto. I recognize that most people conflate discipline and punishment in their head - just like some people think a "natural consequence" is a spanking. People be wrong.) 

Anyway - on to what I DO like about this chapter: the emphasis on empathy. This world lacks a lot of empathy. A LOT. Turn on the news and you'll see someone responding to some situation with a complete lack of understanding of what's happening to the party on the other side. Of course, it's hard to be sanctimonious and drive a 24 hours news cycle when you can honestly see both sides of the situation, or when you'll at least consider that the other side may have a valid point. 

So teaching your child that hitting hurts and hurting people is bad and therefore we shouldn't hit is a huge step towards a level headed adult. One who refrains from hitting because he loves his brother and doesn't want to hit his brother rather than one who refrains purely out of fear of being caught and punished. 

I really like this little bit: 

"The way you discipline your child becomes her model for working out interpersonal problems." - pp 18
She follows with a list of examples to back this up - everything from the aforementioned "Punishing focuses kids on avoiding more punishment, which is not the same thing as caring about others." "kids raised with punishment learn to use it against their sibling to increase their own standing and power" - little tattletales doing the Carlton Dance while their sibling gets a lecture and a punishment. Not cool, little dudes. Not cool. 


As for discipline vs punishment, in case you're one of the gazillion people who confuse the two:

"The word 'discipline' actually means 'to guide', from the same root as the word 'disciple.' Punishment is more about force than guiding: it's defined as causing another person emotional or physical pain to convince them to do things our way but in our culture...discipline as we it, and think about it, is a form of punishment." - p20

One more and then we'll talk about my favorite parenting phrase ever:

"The key to setting effective limits is empathy...Empathetic limits defuse resistance, because the child at least feels understood, even when she doesn't get to do what she wants."-p22

The example she uses is hitting...the darling example because and it happens all.the.time. So she's talking about these siblings and then when the parent/caregiver intervenes, out comes "I won't let you." As in: "Hitting will hurt your brother. You love your brother and I won't let you hurt him. I won't let you hit. I know you're upset, but hitting is not the way to work it out."

The boys' preschool, their lovely, lovely preschool, emphasizes "safe hands" and that the school is a "safe place" and then has the child in question reflect on whether their behavior was making their friends feel's a good conversation opener and even my 2 (ohmygodalmostTHREE) year old gets the concept of feeling safe.

This is another book that embraces the more and more common notion that spanking is just wrong and damaging, but she is taking on new (to me, at least) information about Time Outs:

"We...have a good deal of evidence that time-outs don't work to prevent a recurrence of misbehavior, which raises the question of whether time-outs may even be causing the recurrences."  - pp25-27

(So I'm going to take a moment to note that the age of the siblings in question is Old Enough to Have Squirt Gun keep that in mind while you're reading. Which you should do. Because I'm not going over the entire chapter here.)

Her approach, like many others I've heard who are anti Time-Out is a Time In (her example here is a pre-verbal child who is having a bad day and is expressing that frustration by throwing her cup across the room):

"So you summon up all your compassion and remind yourself that she's a little person whose behavior is a cry for help...You hug her, then take her to a specially designated spot that feels safe and cozy, and snuggle up. You connect warmly, which may be all she needs to pull herself together...Her sunny mood will return, and she'll be ready to help you clean up the spilled cup." - p42

The natural consequence is there already: make a mess, clean it up. We all know that cleaning up messes is a deterrent to making them, and if she knows that Mommy/Daddy/etc will be there to help her learn how to navigate the emotions that come with a crappy day, she'll be less inclined to fling the cup next time. (It doesn't mean she won't. It means she's learning that it's not the best way. And just like you don't freak out when your child says "m and o p" while they're learning the ABCs, you shouldn't freak out when your child snaps and throws a cup again. Because really, the only reason YOU don't throw shit when you snap is because you're a grown adult who has complete control over her impulses at all times. Unless you're me, then sometimes you do throw shit. It's cathartic. Our hypothetical fence will have a target drawn on it and a bucket of bean bags at the ready. I'm all about channeling impulses.)

The rest of the chapter is about Helping Children with Big Emotions - something  about which we all could do with a refresher course. I highly suggest you read it.

PS - sorry for the lack of photos eldest has the viral plague and no one wants pictures of has been a trying week for all of us and my empathy patience has been seriously tested. House Arrest leads to much, much whining. You know what helps it? Underwear dance party (also it roughly 8billion degrees and we have no a/c - so...)

1 comment:

  1. I only disagree with the author about her saying that it's unnecessary to replace "discipline" with "coaching". As a linguist I do not underestimate power of the words, they affect us subtly but mightily. Just compare these two and pay attention how your attitude changes: "He needs discipline" - "He needs loving guidance/coaching". Which phrase in a stressed situation would help get you out of fight/flight and which would further affirm your harshness?


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