Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings - Chapters 3 and 4

This is the next installment of the Natural Parents Network Round Table discussion. (Follow the links - there's good reading there!)

Apparently I vastly over-estimated how much writing time I'd have on vacation. I did manage to get a bit of reading and note-taking accomplished, but it means this is 2-2-two posts in one! (Wasn't that from a commercial?)

My sister and I at Southfork Ranch...sometime in the 80s.

So Chapter 3 - What Causes Sibling Rivalry and How Parents Can Make it Better starts with a focus on sibling spacing. I'm going to just chat about this because it's THE question from parents who know they wants more than one but have no idea what the "ideal" spacing is.

In my experience, this is 2.5 years. Or as close as possible. In my cousin's experience (I assume, I didn't actually ask her flat out, but based on her spacing with her sister and the spacing of their children...) it's about 5 -6 years.

But more than that - it's important to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.

"Your job - and it's a big one - is to take care of yourself, so you can meet the needs of [your] children...that's what allows you to develop a positive relationship with each child. And that's the foundation that supports your children to develop a happy relationship with each other, regardless of their spacing." -p.59

Reassuring your children that each of them has equal space in your heart - and that your heart just grows and grows rather than splitting and splitting - does more good than almost anything else.

"Research shows that if you have a positive relationship with each of your children, they're much more likely to have a positive relationship with each other." - p.61

Regarding that: what my cousins, my sister, and I all have in common: strong, positive individual relationships with our parents. My mom and my sister hold twin spots as my best friends. My best friend's  brother is 13 years younger than her, and they have a strong relationship with each other and their parents.

So plan some dates, each parent with each child - one on one - where you do something you both enjoy and bond over shared experiences. (I read somewhere, not sure where, that it's easier to have "bonding" conversations with boys if they're physically occupied - like if you're working on a car together or pitching a tent or something. Getting their muscles going helps get their mouth going. So keep that in mind when making your plans.)

For more Chapter Three goodness, follow this link and then follow those links!

Just a little sibling picture of my recent graduates.

Moving in to Chapter 4 (please note that I am skipping over SO MUCH good information and you should definitely read this all for yourself) I want to skip straight to the end and talk about Tattling.

Chapter 4 is entitled "Coaching Kids to Communicate and Problem-Solve" and, again, I am skipping over so much good information that you really should read.

Dr. Markham's opinion on tattling, once you get past their desire to make themselves look good by getting their sibling in trouble, is that it is a child coming to you for your help navigating a situation they don't know how to deal with on their own. As parents, this is what we want. So that instead of reacting (often poorly) they can reflect and act appropriately.

"So when your child comes to you 'tattling' about how her siblings acted toward her:

1. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is trying to make things better the only way she knows how.
2. Restate the situation to be sure you understand...
3. If the "offense" was against the child who has come to you, empathize, then support her to look for solutions...
4. Ask her if she wants you to do something about the situation, or if she just needed to talk about it...
5. If your child comes to you about her siblings when she's not involved in the situation, empathize, say thank you if that's appropriate, and take action...." -pp91-92

Markham wraps the chapter with a focus on safety versus basic rule-breaking-- the given example is of a child reporting that her sibling is climbing out the window, and one in which the sibling is playing video games - and how to handle each.

Basically:

"Empathize with your child's concern and assure him that you'll handle it...if it's happening in real time, take action...then talk to the rule breaker in private, just as your always would when a child breaks the rules." - p92

Obviously, this puts a rosy picture on things, because what happens in the aftermath when the rule-breaker discovers that his sibling is a turncoat? Luckily, Chapter 5 addresses conflict resolution.

See you then!

Wrapping up with another picture of my sister and I, at my First Communion.
(Also, note my very trendy-before-its-time flower crown.)