Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Tantrums, Tantrums, Tantrums! No Drama Discipline Ch. 3

Baz, at about 14 months...
when I found this, I hugged him 5 years.

And we're back for Chapter 3: From Tantrum to Tranquility

      I feel the need to point out that I am only scratching the surface with these posts. I'm building a whole post on one or two quotes I've pulled from each chapter - and those are picked from the dozen or so that I copy out, but even then...I'd underline the whole book if that wouldn't be super confusing. I really, really think every parent can benefit from this book. So pick up your own copy and read along! I'd love to know what you think, too.

     So my favorite acronym from this chapter is this: HALT. As in: if your child is freaking out (or whining...or clinging...), take a moment to determine if he is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Think about how well you behave when you are one of those four things...and then, as the Husband likes to say, "debug your child." If you are aware of these things and head them off, then you can stop a tantrum before it starts.

     Example: the boys are two of those things every Saturday after swim lessons. I keep snack bars in the bag for them to snack on in the car on the way to lunch. A snack and a little rest in their carseats gets them through lunch without incident. The one time I didn't give Walter a snack in the car...I was that mom sitting outside of Red Robin telling her screaming child that we can go back inside after he's gotten all his screams out because I won't let him scream at the table. I can't stop the screams, but I can remove him from the table and sit with him so that Hungry and Tired doesn't turn into Hungry Tired and Lonely (feeling dismissed because I won't hang out with him when he's cranky.)

       Obviously - this doesn't always work and obviously misbehavior still happens. This is when the authors remind us to truly connect with our children:

"Fight the urge to punish, lecture, lay down the law, or even positively redirect right away. Instead, we need to connect....[this]moves them out of a reactive state and into a state where they can be more receptive to the lesson we want to teach and the healthy interactions we want to share with them." - pp 72-74

Walter's reaction when I say "show me your mad face!" 
     A little bit later in the chapter they bring up what every critic of non-punitive discipline brings up: by not laying down the law (or even just spanking as an automatic response - I've heard that, haven't you?) you are spoiling your child. However, spoiling does happen. We all know what happens to children who are truly spoiled: they grow up to be entitled douchebags. And no one wants that.

"Spoiled children often grow up to be unhappy, because people in the real world don't respond to their every whim." - p. 91

So - how do you connect without spoiling? Connect, connect, connect.

"Connection is about walking through the hard times with our children being there for them when they're emotionally suffering, just like we would if they scraped their knee and were physically suffering." - p. 92 

We call this "Bereaved Planking" and it's a universal
toddler response to...anything they don't want to hear.
        Being aware, being proactive, and sitting with them while they let it all out - whether it's a broken heart or unbearable frustration or just pure anger - while they won't always get what they want, they'll get what they need: you, holding their hand when they need it. (Or, if you've read that poem - a place in their life where there's only one pair of footsteps in the sand.)

       Like I said above - this is the just the tip of the iceberg and I heartily recommend reading the entire book. We'll talk more about connection in chapter 4 (and the rest of the book, I presume.)

     Oh, and for those who think "I'll just ignore the tantrum and it'll go away" - I suggest you read this blog, on the author's home page.

I'm going to end this with a quote I can't attribute...but it's one of my favorites so if you know the source please let me know! (It's also possible I'm fully misquoting...)

You spoil a child the same way you spoil fruit: put it in the other room and forget about it.

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